Fuck a VH1 Classic. Thanks to DSL it's all about new videos on the web.

Christina Aguilera feat. Missy Elliott, "Car Wash": They must have digitally edited out all the crack pipes from the studio footage. It's a free world and if Xtina wants to bite Nellie McKay's image go ahead, that girls been tripping balls for a while now. But as a big fan of "I'm Really Hot" and "Tush," I was not prepared to see Missy visibly feeling this crap from behind a mixing board. Everything thing I've seen from this Shark Tale movie looks like an excruciating minstrel show. Yo, Fish, WHAT UP!

Cake, "No Phone": Even if you never need to hear nasal dorkfunk again in your life (no, they have not taken it to the next level yet), this video may reaffirm your love of humanity.

Coup, "Ride The Fence": Best Schoolhouse Rock Episode Ever.

De La Soul, "Shopping Bags": I'm one of those guys who thinks AOL: Bionix is their best album to date (xgau says it best - "anybody who wondered what rap would sound like when it grew up now has an answer") and this glass-bottle fueled track has me really excited about the new album. I didn't even know one was coming out!

Donnas, "Fall Behind Me": I forget who made the connection, but yes they do sound like Velvet Revolver here. Their hair-tossing is making me do double duty to look past it though. Rowr rowr rowr rowr ROWR!

Duran Duran, "Sunrise": Somebody give these guys a Faint album fast.

Faint, "I Disappear": Camper Van Duran! Seriously, think about it. Listen to his voice, especially on the track "Desperate Boys." So Lowery.

Fatboy Slim, "Slash Dot Dash": really fucking old fucking old fucking old fucking old old fucking fucking old old old old old fuckinfuckinkfuckinfuckinfucking old fucking old fucking old really fucking old and I say this as somebody who loves the Prodigy's new jock jams. The difference, see, as that old Fatboy Slim sounds wack too now.

Finger Eleven, "One Thing": Oh so you're the guys who sound like Staind covering Jim Croce! I've run into your song on the radio a couple times and I've been meaning to tell you to go fuck yourselves and die, but I didn't know whose name to curse. I feel better now.

Jet, "Look What You've Done": I might be able to appreciate the Evil Dead-meets-Bambi video more if this vapid piano ballad didn't have less energy than "I Love To See You Smile."

Keane, "Somewhere Only We Know": Man, the ratio of post-Coldplay piano-stroking Danny Boys to girls who lick this shit up must be like 1:1 now. Go away.

Korn, "Word Up": "Yo, Fieldy, this Anthony guy's been giving Fred Durst a lot of love for being unpredictable and batshit. How about we get some of that love by covering Cameo and making it sound like Midnight Oil?" "Yeah, and we'll superimpose our faces onto dogs kinda like that Basement Jaxx video!" "Yo!" Nice try, guys.

My Chemical Romance, "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)": Wow, I guess I DO still like pop-punk! This stuff has the same reckless melodi-spazz vibe as Desaparecidos and the singer reminds me of some eighties dude whose name escapes me. Argh, two weeks till I'm in the radio station again. I should have burnt this today! I had no idea these guys didn't suck!

New Found Glory, "Failure's Not Flattering": Sounds like Dennis DeYoung leading Superchunk, and it might be their best single to date (they normally sound like Dennis DeYoung leading a Superchunk opening act). Still makes my dick shrivel up, fall off and run under the couch though.

REM, "Leaving New York": My inner middle schooler just shot himself (REM's inner 24-year-olds blew their heads off a long time ago), but of all the mellow gold burbling out these days this was easily the most intriguing. I could actually see this growing on me. The video, though, wtf REM DOES equal Air Supply now.

Simple Plan, "Welcome To My Life": No matter what you think of a new Good Charlotte single (and the new one is mediocre, I've said it already), the concurrent Simple Plan track is always at least ten times worse. They're ripping off "Complicated" now. Seriously, Pierre, what's THAT shit aboot?

Britney Spears, "My Prerogative": Slo-mo Kish Kash, which isn't as good as "Toxic"'s stream-lined Kish Kash but still pretty entertaining. Funniest background vocals of the year and the video is a trip. I'll keep laughing till somebody dies.

Strokes, "The End Has No End": These guys would have been my heroes in high school. Now I can merely approve and, with minor reservations, endorse. Keep the sunglasses, Julian.

Sum 41, "We're All To Blame": Like the last shit I took, this is slightly more redeemable than LeTigre's "New Kicks." Like everything else by Sum 41, the video is infinitely more intellgient and entertaining than the song itself ("supersize my tragedy!" Tell it like it is, Darrel or Dweezil or Dingle or whatever your name is!). This does NOT make up for the lack of a new Desaparecidos album and I hope Dumbell's image hijack (even the acoustic guitar!) hurts Conor more than anybody.

Tegan And Sara, "Walking Like A Ghost": Why is this the single? Why did they make this video? Why? Trust me, the album is really good.

Three Days Grace, "Just Like You": What if Fugazi's ONLY distinctive trait was self-righteousness?

Usher feat. Alicia Keys, "My Boo": Damn, girl. Damn. Ooh. I thought the presence of Alicia "Whitney Houston wasn't humorless enough" Keys would signify snooze, but this thing grabs me like a Gaye-Terrell update or something. He forces her to loosen up a little, she puts a little hair on his chest and I'm thanking God I didn't buy Confessions already, cuz now I can get The Special Edition and hear this whenever I want.

Kanye West, "Workout Plan": BENTLEY FARNSWORTH RAPS! Sorry, had to get that out of the way. Of all his attempts to pile as many novel details as possible over his irredeemably mediocre delivery, this is by far my favorite. I'm nobody's misogynist, but I've been burnt enough that I've got a soft spot for post-Jagger bullshit calling. Especially when it's this funny and outside-the-box.