Saturday, June 25, 2005

Behold, The Top 50 Singles Of The First Half Of 2005.

1. Trick Daddy feat. Cee-Lo & Ludacris, “Sugar”

Food, sex, Ludacris cameos, Talking Heads lifts, acoustic guitar over programmed beats inna Sugar Ray stylee. Life is good, plus its summer, yo. Let's see if my easygoing mood lasts - if I feel underappreciated and frustrated in December it'll be "Mr. Brightside" or some other ultrahooked bombastiwhine the mainstream machine poops out in the next six months.

2. Kelly Clarskon, “Since U Been Gone”

Forget "Maps" and "Obstacle 1," think "Bette Davis Eyes" and "Fame (What A Feelin')." You can totally go back to not giving a shit about Kelly Clarkson and her hazel eyes or whatever, her job is done (sorry, those ballads, just, no). The emo generation's "I Will Survive."

3. Killers “Mr. Brightside”

Brandon, a young mormon who rocks Just Can't Get Enough: New Wave Hits Of The 80s the way Hanson pumped that Time-Life box set, knows he's got the wherewithal to MAKE IT in this industry, he's got the straight edge, he's got the ambition, the eyeliner and he's feeling just fine gotta gotta be down because he wants it all but oh wow that girl who kissed him after the show, well, he's kinda shy in that department, but it looks like his bass player Hansel, who's so hot right now, isn't, and its making him sick and she's touching his chest. NOW. He's getting depressed. NOW. Laymeego...*pause for guitar hook and moment of forlorn meditation as we think about all those people who are doing drugs, having sex and living care-free in a way us nerds will never truly experience* oh man he's starting to get miserable, its taking control, a little more guitar sap and then drums yell WAKE UP, BRANDON and then he realizes that HEY! isn't this wimpy adolescent anguish and seas and lullabies all part of the big beautiful grand NEW WAVE SCHEME, anyway? Having soaked in Cure-iosity since we were toddlers, we see it as beeeyoootiful drama (yay drama)! Why if he can harness these emotions he'll be able to write a big pop hit and become a celebrity and Sophie Muller will help him make vaginas explode as he topples tables in slo-mo (been done, but never before during a game of checkers with Eric Roberts)! He can smack his painted lips and flap his dainty hands like a Robert Smith who aint addicted to sulk cuz he AIN'T addicted to sulk not really cuz he can see the big picture, he's MISTER BRIGHTSIDE even though the innocent young man has never, he's NEVER, he's NEVERRRRR dun! dun! DUNNNN! The emo generation's "I Will Survive."

4. M83, “Don’t Save Us From Flames”

"Schizophrenia" coda, multi-tracked sighs from "What You Want," and probably some 4AD shit I've never heard, maybe some Manheim Steamroller, all flung together in hopes of scoring a few adolescent transcendencies and at least one scene in The OC. Unenlightening hodgepodge, yeah, but it's not like this stuff added up to more than big time drama in the first place.

5. Natalie, “Goin’ Crazy”

COREY: "Dear Diane, I'll always be there for you, all the love in my heart, Lloyd." I've never gotten a letter like this, have you?
DC: I dream about it.
LLOYD: So what do you think? Is it... do you think I'm...
COREY: Get ready for greatness, Lloyd.

6. Queens Of The Stone Age “Little Sister”

Police, "Roxanne" (Homme Remix). I would kill to be him, to be the only woan.

7. Pitbull feat. Lil Jon, “Toma”

Yeah, he acts all love-em-and-leave-em when talking to the dudes, a lot of that going around these days, but when its one-on-one he starts sighing, laughing, encouraging enthusiasm, gasping and, damn, you can tell his passion for sex has nothing to do with impressing his pals. Confident, good-humored, earthily energetic, probably as close to a Bon Scott figure as rap has provided. And in case we forget, "feat. Lil Jon."

8. And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead, “Worlds Apart”

Wow, what a simple-minded, overgeneralized wrap-up of the case for nihilism in 2005. Short, too. Thanks!

9. R. Kelly, "Sex In The Kitchen"

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. For one thing, earnest R&B ballads about salad tossing.

10. Keane, “Somewhere Only We Know”

Whenever a mediocre-yet-unique band gets popular, a bunch of hacks spill out of the woodwork to ape the text with songs and sentiments far too obvious and earthbound for the pioneers to bother with. If they've got a solid pop song or two, they'll be noticed by A&R men and shoved in our faces, only to disappear once they've shared that key number. As a fan of solid, earthbound pop songs, it's an aspect of the music industry I've come to depend on.


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