Did anybody else start sweating profusely when they first heard "All Nite" by Janet Jackson? There's few things more enjoyable these days than walking home from work late at night and being bowled over by a new single on the radio. The dark sky, empty streets and deafening-if-you-want-it headphones (which I don't otherwise wear when listening to music - I can only hear out of one ear, I live in mono) are so beneficial to hearing something fresh and audacious. I almost fell down when I heard Usher burnin' hoo-hoo-hoo and nearly started running when Matchbox 20 dignified the gospel choir on their "Downfall" by slamming the guitars and drums back in at full power (ambitiousness looks so cute on these guys, Rob Thomas is the gawky god of vulnerability right now). My face must have been rife with giggly disbelief when "F*ck It" first hit my ears and there may well have been tears the first time I let myself listen to "My Immortal" all the way through. I'm almost grateful the tape deck part of these bastards always gets fucked up (Coby brand portable cassette players, YOU'RE ON MY LIST).
I can understand why people don't like radio if they listen to just one station consistently, but when walking all over town it's really easy to just flip around from station to station finding the right song for the moment. It also helps that I actively anticipate hearing Lil' Jon and "Hey Ya" for the 858483rd time.
Oh yeah, that Janet Jackson track is like Aaliyah with the sex-o-meter jacked up to 11. Scratch that, 13.
Song by a horny woman that I am NOT enjoying: Kimberly Locke, "8th World Wonder."
Will I get the shit kicked out of me if I ever sing Martina McBride's "This One's For The Girls" at karaoke? The verse about 25-year-old girls kinda describes my "type."
Saturday, June 26, 2004
um, what I said in the last post about Eamon and Big & Rich trippin' balls?
Click here and click on the video for R. Kelly's "U Saved Me" on the left.
I forgot who the master of the art was.
Click here and click on the video for R. Kelly's "U Saved Me" on the left.
I forgot who the master of the art was.
Singles whose videos I watched on Launch.com that may or may not be Anthony-approved (except Big & Rich and especially the Hives):
Eamon, "I Love Them Ho's": Since I didn't realize it was removed from the clean copy I've got, I originally assumed the word "ho's" (wtf is with that apostrophe?) was added to the original song. I wouldn't have put it past the guy. The video cuts to a snippet of his bitter "Girl Act Right" while he rolls around on a giant bed with six women. No one is trippin' balls harder than Eamon. Respect.
Big & Rich, "Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy)": these guys are trippin' balls too, but in a totally benign, harmless way. Kid Rock go home. You have been replaced.
Muse, "Time Is Running Out": They offer a pretty slinky verse for a bunch of Radiohead wanna-bes (that drawn-out vocal on the chorus wouldn't have been conceivable before Thom Yorke).
Killers, "Somebody Told Me": Hipsters are still having sex. I used to wonder how people in the '80s could take '80s bands seriously. Is that Hansel on bass? He's so hot right now.
Hives, "Walk Idiot Walk": If I enjoy the rest of the album as much as I dig this track, we may be looking at my favorite album of the year. Peppy songs about stupid assholes? Sign me up.
Eamon, "I Love Them Ho's": Since I didn't realize it was removed from the clean copy I've got, I originally assumed the word "ho's" (wtf is with that apostrophe?) was added to the original song. I wouldn't have put it past the guy. The video cuts to a snippet of his bitter "Girl Act Right" while he rolls around on a giant bed with six women. No one is trippin' balls harder than Eamon. Respect.
Big & Rich, "Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy)": these guys are trippin' balls too, but in a totally benign, harmless way. Kid Rock go home. You have been replaced.
Muse, "Time Is Running Out": They offer a pretty slinky verse for a bunch of Radiohead wanna-bes (that drawn-out vocal on the chorus wouldn't have been conceivable before Thom Yorke).
Killers, "Somebody Told Me": Hipsters are still having sex. I used to wonder how people in the '80s could take '80s bands seriously. Is that Hansel on bass? He's so hot right now.
Hives, "Walk Idiot Walk": If I enjoy the rest of the album as much as I dig this track, we may be looking at my favorite album of the year. Peppy songs about stupid assholes? Sign me up.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
I love DMX's "Party Up (Up In Here)" - a 1999 track that sounds so crunkily contemporary that I assumed it was a new Bonecrusher single or something - so much that you'd think I'd get my hands on a copy asap. Thing is, I'm worried that the album version doesn't have the moment that sounds like DMX is punching a baby. It's sad when radio edits are more imaginative than the original (there aren't NEARLY as many professional sports sound effects on Missy Elliott's "I'm Really Hot" on the album as there are on the radio). I don't know why State College, PA's 107.9 plays "Party Up (Up In Here)" as often as they do, but I'm grateful.
Hearing "Welcome Back" by Mase on the radio is like that part of the news where they tell you that Koko the panda had twins at the Pittsburgh zoo. Benign but worthless.
Hearing "Welcome Back" by Mase on the radio is like that part of the news where they tell you that Koko the panda had twins at the Pittsburgh zoo. Benign but worthless.
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Reasons To The 5 Boroughs is the best Beastie Boys album since Paul's Boutique:
1) no porno funk jams. Not a single one. No instrumental filler WHAT SO EVER.
2) Fifteen tracks, 45 minutes, goes down easy.
3) Rap is what they're best at, and rap is all they do.
4) Ad-Rock is knocking out some nice, novel little keyb hooks and loops. The dude needs to dole his wares out to fellow vets and underground sensations alike. They'll be grateful.
5) I haven't heard an adult-contemporary rap album this pleasant since De La Soul's AOI: Bionix.
6) Despite the grey hairs, Beastie Boys are still for the children.
Reasons To The 5 Boroughs is the worst Beastie Boys album since Paul's Boutique:
1) Not a single classic, MUST-hear track. Nary a one.
2) Despite mucho well-meaning, nothing on the album sounds as enthusiastic as previous shots at liberalism like "Sure Shot" or "Unite," let alone as spirited as "Hey Ladies." Is it impossible to be PC and still bust out a "No Sleep Till Brooklyn"?
3) Lines about Bush would have a poor shelf-life even if they weren't poorly constructed and stilted. Awkward shit about impeaching Tex is gonna age like Yingling left out in the sun.
4) Rich rappers who take longer to make an album than I do to get a college degree have no reason to sound like they've fallen down and can't get up. It's called digital editing, MCA, ch-check it out.
5) A showboat like Mix Master Mike is too busy cutting faster to help these guys self-edit. I don't know why Mario C ain't around to keep it clean, but an objective ear is sorely missed. Compare this album to something as late as "Alive" and you'll wonder where their sense of pacing has run off to.
6) Rap is what they do best, but the melodicism revealed in Hello Nasty's "I Don't Know" and "Instant Death" is missed, especially when the beats (and their pipes) don't lend themselves to forceful chanting. Even Ian MacKaye's figured that one out.
1) no porno funk jams. Not a single one. No instrumental filler WHAT SO EVER.
2) Fifteen tracks, 45 minutes, goes down easy.
3) Rap is what they're best at, and rap is all they do.
4) Ad-Rock is knocking out some nice, novel little keyb hooks and loops. The dude needs to dole his wares out to fellow vets and underground sensations alike. They'll be grateful.
5) I haven't heard an adult-contemporary rap album this pleasant since De La Soul's AOI: Bionix.
6) Despite the grey hairs, Beastie Boys are still for the children.
Reasons To The 5 Boroughs is the worst Beastie Boys album since Paul's Boutique:
1) Not a single classic, MUST-hear track. Nary a one.
2) Despite mucho well-meaning, nothing on the album sounds as enthusiastic as previous shots at liberalism like "Sure Shot" or "Unite," let alone as spirited as "Hey Ladies." Is it impossible to be PC and still bust out a "No Sleep Till Brooklyn"?
3) Lines about Bush would have a poor shelf-life even if they weren't poorly constructed and stilted. Awkward shit about impeaching Tex is gonna age like Yingling left out in the sun.
4) Rich rappers who take longer to make an album than I do to get a college degree have no reason to sound like they've fallen down and can't get up. It's called digital editing, MCA, ch-check it out.
5) A showboat like Mix Master Mike is too busy cutting faster to help these guys self-edit. I don't know why Mario C ain't around to keep it clean, but an objective ear is sorely missed. Compare this album to something as late as "Alive" and you'll wonder where their sense of pacing has run off to.
6) Rap is what they do best, but the melodicism revealed in Hello Nasty's "I Don't Know" and "Instant Death" is missed, especially when the beats (and their pipes) don't lend themselves to forceful chanting. Even Ian MacKaye's figured that one out.
Friday, June 18, 2004
I swear I'll do something other than give shoutouts to Anthony-approved Billboard hits soon. Not today, though.
"Move Ya Body" by Nina Sky feat. Jabba: It turns out its not DANCEhall I can't stand, it's SEAN Paul.
"Culo" by Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon: Makes sense that it would take Lil' Jon to make me figure that out. HEY! HEY!
"Move Ya Body" by Nina Sky feat. Jabba: It turns out its not DANCEhall I can't stand, it's SEAN Paul.
"Culo" by Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon: Makes sense that it would take Lil' Jon to make me figure that out. HEY! HEY!
Monday, June 14, 2004
Every lyric quoted in reviews of To The 5 Boroughs makes me want to cry. While the Sounds Of Science anthology arguably renders every album except Licensed To Ill unnecessary to purchase, there are few groups that inspire so much endearment from me than the Beastie Boys (esp. as MTV figures). I've forgiven their filler and indulged their indulgences throughout the years because they represent something really positive to me (on 9/11 they were the only group I wanted to listen to). To see them flake out so horrifically, so nakedly, is heartbreaking.
Now for happy thoughts. Two more Anthony-approved Billboard hits.
Juvenile Featuring Soulja Slim, "Slow Motion": You know that scene in the video for "Ew, Girl, Ew" by Three Times One Minus One where the girl is actually riding on top of Pootie T while he sings? That image always comes to mind during the chorus of this track. Best recorded-during-coitus rap track since LL Cool J's "Back Seat."
Mis-Teeq "Scandalous": This is currently competing with "Naughty Girl" by Beyonce for my 10th favorite single of the year so far. They're nearly identical "In Da Club"-style monoliths (with upped sex appeal cuz, like, they're sung by horny girls) except Mis-Teeq is singing about all the stuff you do for her while Beyonce is singing about all the stuff she's going to do for you.
Now for happy thoughts. Two more Anthony-approved Billboard hits.
Juvenile Featuring Soulja Slim, "Slow Motion": You know that scene in the video for "Ew, Girl, Ew" by Three Times One Minus One where the girl is actually riding on top of Pootie T while he sings? That image always comes to mind during the chorus of this track. Best recorded-during-coitus rap track since LL Cool J's "Back Seat."
Mis-Teeq "Scandalous": This is currently competing with "Naughty Girl" by Beyonce for my 10th favorite single of the year so far. They're nearly identical "In Da Club"-style monoliths (with upped sex appeal cuz, like, they're sung by horny girls) except Mis-Teeq is singing about all the stuff you do for her while Beyonce is singing about all the stuff she's going to do for you.
Saturday, June 12, 2004
Worst Songs Of All Time...THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!
No honorable mentions. There's enough pain in this world as it is.
21) "Keep The Faith" by Bon Jovi
FUCK! what the fuck? what the fu-uh-uck... Oh my god, what the fuck... Yet more evidence that pop-metal was dead long before grunge was seen dancing on the corpse.
22) "King Of Pain" by the Police
That's my asshole up there.
23) "Last Kiss" by Pearl Jam
Now do "How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?"
24) "Layla (unplugged)" by Eric Claption
Did he have a Eternal Sunshine brainwipe done before recording this? I've pined for a waitress to refill my Coke with more passion than he shows here. Bad Clapton joke: What did Eric Clapton do immediately after writing "Tears In Heaven"? He threw his son out the window.
25) "Lightnin'" by Sonic Youth
boring != challenging
26) "Liquid Dreams" by O-Town
You know your boy band is going to fail when your debut single is about how you jerk off to Maxim.
27) "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" by Spin Doctors
There was a time I didn't find the video vomit-inducing. I don't like to be reminded.
28) "Long, Slow Unmemorable Songs On Classic Rock Radio That Always End Up Being Something By Pink Floyd" by Pink Floyd
It's weird when you only recognize a band because your ears are growing gangrene.
29) "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" by Journey
What are three things that I do not like to associate with Steve Perry?
30) "Mesmerize" by Ja Rule & Ashanti
There's a scene in one of the Friday the 13th movies where an R&B singer grabs his stomach, mutters something about those damn enchiladas and runs into a metal shack. As he painfully exorcises spicy demons from his intestines, he and his girlfriend, who is standing outside, sing "ooh, ooh baby" to each other before Jason stabs the living hell out of them. This song always brings that scene to mind. I play Jason.
I love how they try to offset the breathtaking squareness of the video's Grease homage by having Ja Rule lead a non-specific protest march and scream "MY BLACK PEOPLE!" at the end. The two parts go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong.
31) "Myxomatosis" by Radiohead
I don't think I've ever been angrier at an album then when I first sat through eleven tracks of the draggy, cringe-inducing, pretentious bore that is Hail To The Thief and discovered they had the temerity to throw THIS at me after all that. They're like Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber, except they ask if you want to hear the most CHALLENGING sound in the world before shrieking in your ear.
32) "Never Too Far" by Mariah Carey
hooooowlll how-how-hoooooowl....
33) "One Call Away" by Chingy
I always said Cheech Marin wasn't maudlin enough.
34) "One In A Million" by Guns'n'Roses
Some give this song props for capturing a dark, hateful, gleefully ignorant perspective. I might if they actually did something with it.
35) "The Original Wrapper" by Lou Reed
Damn, his science is too tight!
36) "Puttin' On The Ritz" by Taco
If I ever hole up inside a compound with a lot of artillery, tell them to blare this song from giant speakers. I'll be outside with my hands over my head in half a minute.
37) "Shine" by Collective Soul
A bunch of cool kids in flannel walk out to the woods, create a makeshift stage out of plyboard and tires so that a group of long-hairs can magically appear to sing a Nirvana-fied version of "This Little Light Of Mine." A decade later and I still feel like screaming this is bullshit.
38) "Squeeze Box" by the Who
It's kind of a mood killer, if you ask me.
39) "Strokin'" by Clarence Carter
Fired from his dogcatching job due to unseemly conduct, Carter used to call random numbers and recite the lyrics to his unexpecting victims while masturbating. One day, he happened to call Clive Davis. The rest was history.
40) "Sympathy For The Devil (Neptunes Remix)" by The Rolling Stones
Sign that urinal, Duchamp.
41) "Too Much Heaven" by The Bee Gees
Original title: "My Kingdom For A Testicle"
42) "Touch Me" by the Doors
You'd think the 20th century Dionysian shaman who tries to beat Tom Jones at his own game would be my favorite 20th century Dionysian shaman. You'd think.
43) "Turn To You" by Christina Aguilera
Did she get paid by the trill?
44) "Victory" by Puff Daddy & The Notorious B.I.G.
I saw this video at least eight times. Thanks to explosions, thunderstorms, alarms, Danny DeVito and other deafening distractions, I don't think I ever heard the song. It interpolates the theme from Rocky, so I'm not really in a rush.
45) "View To A Kill" by Duran Duran
Due to half a handful of enjoyable tracks and the fact that I wish I looked like Simon LeBon, I'll never be able to be the Duran-hater I should be. Nonetheless, that this atrocious, ear-piercing abortion of a song made it to #1 on the pop charts really does prove that shit floats.
46) "We Are The World" by USA For Africa
Bruce Springsteen would like to thank the makers of Colon Blow for helping him win the "My Voice Cares More Than Your Voice Does" Lifetime Achievement Award.
47) "What I Am" by Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians
Sorry, "Hand In My Pocket," you were one wah-wah solo away from making this list.
48) "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes
Having a penis, I am physically incapable of liking this song.
49) "Will2k" by Will Smith
His movie soundtrack shitstains are disqualified since all songs that discuss the plot of a bad movie are on some level awesome (the "Found Out About Vigo, The Master Of Evil" Rule). However, we have plenty of room on the list for a piddling number that welcomes the new millenium (sorry, WILLenium) by raping the Clash, praising Dick Clark for "holding it down," and coming off like a pep-free Kurtis Blow.
50) "The World's Greatest" by R. Kelly
Wouldn't a mesh cap that reads "I'm #1" have gotten the point across a little quicker?
No honorable mentions. There's enough pain in this world as it is.
21) "Keep The Faith" by Bon Jovi
FUCK! what the fuck? what the fu-uh-uck... Oh my god, what the fuck... Yet more evidence that pop-metal was dead long before grunge was seen dancing on the corpse.
22) "King Of Pain" by the Police
That's my asshole up there.
23) "Last Kiss" by Pearl Jam
Now do "How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?"
24) "Layla (unplugged)" by Eric Claption
Did he have a Eternal Sunshine brainwipe done before recording this? I've pined for a waitress to refill my Coke with more passion than he shows here. Bad Clapton joke: What did Eric Clapton do immediately after writing "Tears In Heaven"? He threw his son out the window.
25) "Lightnin'" by Sonic Youth
boring != challenging
26) "Liquid Dreams" by O-Town
You know your boy band is going to fail when your debut single is about how you jerk off to Maxim.
27) "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" by Spin Doctors
There was a time I didn't find the video vomit-inducing. I don't like to be reminded.
28) "Long, Slow Unmemorable Songs On Classic Rock Radio That Always End Up Being Something By Pink Floyd" by Pink Floyd
It's weird when you only recognize a band because your ears are growing gangrene.
29) "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" by Journey
What are three things that I do not like to associate with Steve Perry?
30) "Mesmerize" by Ja Rule & Ashanti
There's a scene in one of the Friday the 13th movies where an R&B singer grabs his stomach, mutters something about those damn enchiladas and runs into a metal shack. As he painfully exorcises spicy demons from his intestines, he and his girlfriend, who is standing outside, sing "ooh, ooh baby" to each other before Jason stabs the living hell out of them. This song always brings that scene to mind. I play Jason.
I love how they try to offset the breathtaking squareness of the video's Grease homage by having Ja Rule lead a non-specific protest march and scream "MY BLACK PEOPLE!" at the end. The two parts go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong.
31) "Myxomatosis" by Radiohead
I don't think I've ever been angrier at an album then when I first sat through eleven tracks of the draggy, cringe-inducing, pretentious bore that is Hail To The Thief and discovered they had the temerity to throw THIS at me after all that. They're like Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber, except they ask if you want to hear the most CHALLENGING sound in the world before shrieking in your ear.
32) "Never Too Far" by Mariah Carey
hooooowlll how-how-hoooooowl....
33) "One Call Away" by Chingy
I always said Cheech Marin wasn't maudlin enough.
34) "One In A Million" by Guns'n'Roses
Some give this song props for capturing a dark, hateful, gleefully ignorant perspective. I might if they actually did something with it.
35) "The Original Wrapper" by Lou Reed
Damn, his science is too tight!
36) "Puttin' On The Ritz" by Taco
If I ever hole up inside a compound with a lot of artillery, tell them to blare this song from giant speakers. I'll be outside with my hands over my head in half a minute.
37) "Shine" by Collective Soul
A bunch of cool kids in flannel walk out to the woods, create a makeshift stage out of plyboard and tires so that a group of long-hairs can magically appear to sing a Nirvana-fied version of "This Little Light Of Mine." A decade later and I still feel like screaming this is bullshit.
38) "Squeeze Box" by the Who
It's kind of a mood killer, if you ask me.
39) "Strokin'" by Clarence Carter
Fired from his dogcatching job due to unseemly conduct, Carter used to call random numbers and recite the lyrics to his unexpecting victims while masturbating. One day, he happened to call Clive Davis. The rest was history.
40) "Sympathy For The Devil (Neptunes Remix)" by The Rolling Stones
Sign that urinal, Duchamp.
41) "Too Much Heaven" by The Bee Gees
Original title: "My Kingdom For A Testicle"
42) "Touch Me" by the Doors
You'd think the 20th century Dionysian shaman who tries to beat Tom Jones at his own game would be my favorite 20th century Dionysian shaman. You'd think.
43) "Turn To You" by Christina Aguilera
Did she get paid by the trill?
44) "Victory" by Puff Daddy & The Notorious B.I.G.
I saw this video at least eight times. Thanks to explosions, thunderstorms, alarms, Danny DeVito and other deafening distractions, I don't think I ever heard the song. It interpolates the theme from Rocky, so I'm not really in a rush.
45) "View To A Kill" by Duran Duran
Due to half a handful of enjoyable tracks and the fact that I wish I looked like Simon LeBon, I'll never be able to be the Duran-hater I should be. Nonetheless, that this atrocious, ear-piercing abortion of a song made it to #1 on the pop charts really does prove that shit floats.
46) "We Are The World" by USA For Africa
Bruce Springsteen would like to thank the makers of Colon Blow for helping him win the "My Voice Cares More Than Your Voice Does" Lifetime Achievement Award.
47) "What I Am" by Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians
Sorry, "Hand In My Pocket," you were one wah-wah solo away from making this list.
48) "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes
Having a penis, I am physically incapable of liking this song.
49) "Will2k" by Will Smith
His movie soundtrack shitstains are disqualified since all songs that discuss the plot of a bad movie are on some level awesome (the "Found Out About Vigo, The Master Of Evil" Rule). However, we have plenty of room on the list for a piddling number that welcomes the new millenium (sorry, WILLenium) by raping the Clash, praising Dick Clark for "holding it down," and coming off like a pep-free Kurtis Blow.
50) "The World's Greatest" by R. Kelly
Wouldn't a mesh cap that reads "I'm #1" have gotten the point across a little quicker?
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
With fears of extended joyless mourning eradicated by hearing "Back In Black" on the radio, we now return to Anthony's 50 Worst Albums Of All Time.
11) “Ghetto Defendant” by the Clash
There's a lot of shitty dub nonsense out there courtesy of the Clash, but inviting Allen Ginsberg to do the worm on the acropolis, slamdance the cosmopolis, enlighten the populace and spray endless lines of doo-doo all over a track doesn't really qualify as expanding your musical boundaries. Fuck Lou Reed, Ginsberg was the Original Wrapper.
Honorable Mention: the overwhelming majority of material released by Joe Strummer (sainthood!=infallibility), Big Audio Dynamite (though they did invent Electro-Clash) and Havana 3AM (I'm taking this one on faith). As Rob Sheffield once noted, phony Beatlemania isn't all that bit the dust.
12) "The Girl Is Mine" by Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson
That "Say, Say, Say" was stranded on a McCartney LP while this sugar-coated turd got to be on Thriller (the first single, no less!) is criminal enough. The word "doggone" and the rising keyboard hook heard before its use should have been warning enough that Jacko's story was going to end in tears (this 8-track artwork also hints at Jackson's less-than-altruistic impulses). I don't BELIEVE it.
Honorable Mention: Paul McCartney, "Freedom." People who bought Abbey Road should get their money back. The cover is blatant false advertising: Paul ain't dead. Sigh.
13) "The Hannukah Song" by Adam Sandler
Radio, the Jews have suffered enough. Please blow the dust off of that 45 of "I Have A Little Dreidel" and let that replace the Man of Eight Really Fucking Annoying Voices' frat-crap anthem as your token sop to non-Christians next December. At least until some guy writes "Kwanzaa Bo-nahn-za."
Honorable Mention: Eddie Murphy feat. Michael Jackson, "Whatsupwitu?" Atalentwastingegomanicsayswhat?
14) "Heaven" by Live
Most of the hits by this foursome seem excruciating in hindsight (in high school they made sense, but I also thought Monster was one of the 10 best albums in musical history then). "I Alone" is redeemed in part by a video where Ed K. touches his head at least seven times and the drummer angrily hops around since they forgot to bring his kit to the set. "The Dolphin's Cry" is redeemed when you consider what a dolphin's cry actually sounds like. "White, Discussion" and "Selling The Drama" are redeemed by the fact that nearly every white guy on a major label was shitting out of their mouths in 1994. If you have any idea what could justify this existance of "Heaven" a song of faith derived through fatherhood that lacks the humility, emotional sweep and insight found in Creed's take on the same subject, please let me know. Right now it just hurts, hurts, hurts.
Honorable Mention: Soundgarden, "Black Hole Sun." Shitting out of their mouths. Interesting side-note: one of Robert Christgau's favorite singles of 1994 was the BC-52's "Meet The Flintstones." There's a reason Weezer's debut is getting the 10th anniversary treatment.
15)“Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)” by Blessid Union Of Souls
It's possible that there is no group whose discography I'd be less interested in perusing than Blessid Union Of Souls. Four years after the inescapable "I Believe," the snivelling snot and his crew returned to the radiowaves to repeatedly announce that by being a snivelling snot who rhymes "leonardo" with "that guy from Frago" a girl was crazy about him. Dateless and washing dishes eight hours a day, I found it hard to be happy for him.
Honorable Mention: Billy Joel, "That's Not Her Style." Blessid Union's Elliott Sloane spent far too much time awkwardly describing his worthlessness before announcing his romantic success in the chorus. In this bombastic cry of defensiveness, Billy Joel foams at the mouth describing then-wife Christie Brinkley's various cuckoldings (including giving "the pilot somethin' extra for a perfect ride") only to shriek that the rumors weren't true because he was "her man." Time and Joel's personal downward spiral hasn't made this album-OPENER any less disturbing.
16) "I Can't Dance" by Genesis
Blender was right to pick "Illegal Alien" as their token Collins pick; its bafflingly offensive and almost as nagging. However, "I Can't Dance" proves that Phil doesn't need to throw on a Speedy Gonzalez accent and race-bait to be the most repulsive singer on the planet. He looks like a penis possessed by a demon. Sounds like a small one. mmm-hmmm.
Honorable Mention: "True Colors" by Phil Collins. When a has-been attempts a comeback with an unwarranted cover it's like dumping somebody only to have them call you back a year later and ask if they can fuck you in the ass.
17) "I Hate Everything About You" by Ugly Kid Joe
I prefer their Harry Chapin cover on every possible level.
Honorable Mention: Def Leppard, "Let's Get Rocked." I will apologize to no one for overrating Pearl Jam in 1992. Hearing an earnest baritone bellow was heavenly relief at the time.
18) "If I Had $1,000,000" by Barenaked Ladies
The live version gets the nod because it implies that people are enjoying this horseshit. Anticipating it. Sharing a communal moment. Idiots.
Honorable Mention: Every single the Tragically Hip tried to get onto American radio. Oh, Canada!
19) "I'm Just A Kid" by Simple Plan
Anybody who can't tell why this song is worse than any single off of Good Charlotte's Young And The Hopeless will never understand me.
Honorable Mention: Simple Plan, "Perfect." As El Diablo Robotico noted on ILX, "Perfect" will keep you from wanting to have children. God forbid they wind up this whiny.
20) "Jenny From The Block" by Jennifer Lopez
Thank you for loving us and staying real. Sorry we forgot.
Signed,
Your Public.
Honorable Mention: Alanis Morrissette, "Thank U." Fuck U.
11) “Ghetto Defendant” by the Clash
There's a lot of shitty dub nonsense out there courtesy of the Clash, but inviting Allen Ginsberg to do the worm on the acropolis, slamdance the cosmopolis, enlighten the populace and spray endless lines of doo-doo all over a track doesn't really qualify as expanding your musical boundaries. Fuck Lou Reed, Ginsberg was the Original Wrapper.
Honorable Mention: the overwhelming majority of material released by Joe Strummer (sainthood!=infallibility), Big Audio Dynamite (though they did invent Electro-Clash) and Havana 3AM (I'm taking this one on faith). As Rob Sheffield once noted, phony Beatlemania isn't all that bit the dust.
12) "The Girl Is Mine" by Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson
That "Say, Say, Say" was stranded on a McCartney LP while this sugar-coated turd got to be on Thriller (the first single, no less!) is criminal enough. The word "doggone" and the rising keyboard hook heard before its use should have been warning enough that Jacko's story was going to end in tears (this 8-track artwork also hints at Jackson's less-than-altruistic impulses). I don't BELIEVE it.
Honorable Mention: Paul McCartney, "Freedom." People who bought Abbey Road should get their money back. The cover is blatant false advertising: Paul ain't dead. Sigh.
13) "The Hannukah Song" by Adam Sandler
Radio, the Jews have suffered enough. Please blow the dust off of that 45 of "I Have A Little Dreidel" and let that replace the Man of Eight Really Fucking Annoying Voices' frat-crap anthem as your token sop to non-Christians next December. At least until some guy writes "Kwanzaa Bo-nahn-za."
Honorable Mention: Eddie Murphy feat. Michael Jackson, "Whatsupwitu?" Atalentwastingegomanicsayswhat?
14) "Heaven" by Live
Most of the hits by this foursome seem excruciating in hindsight (in high school they made sense, but I also thought Monster was one of the 10 best albums in musical history then). "I Alone" is redeemed in part by a video where Ed K. touches his head at least seven times and the drummer angrily hops around since they forgot to bring his kit to the set. "The Dolphin's Cry" is redeemed when you consider what a dolphin's cry actually sounds like. "White, Discussion" and "Selling The Drama" are redeemed by the fact that nearly every white guy on a major label was shitting out of their mouths in 1994. If you have any idea what could justify this existance of "Heaven" a song of faith derived through fatherhood that lacks the humility, emotional sweep and insight found in Creed's take on the same subject, please let me know. Right now it just hurts, hurts, hurts.
Honorable Mention: Soundgarden, "Black Hole Sun." Shitting out of their mouths. Interesting side-note: one of Robert Christgau's favorite singles of 1994 was the BC-52's "Meet The Flintstones." There's a reason Weezer's debut is getting the 10th anniversary treatment.
15)“Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)” by Blessid Union Of Souls
It's possible that there is no group whose discography I'd be less interested in perusing than Blessid Union Of Souls. Four years after the inescapable "I Believe," the snivelling snot and his crew returned to the radiowaves to repeatedly announce that by being a snivelling snot who rhymes "leonardo" with "that guy from Frago" a girl was crazy about him. Dateless and washing dishes eight hours a day, I found it hard to be happy for him.
Honorable Mention: Billy Joel, "That's Not Her Style." Blessid Union's Elliott Sloane spent far too much time awkwardly describing his worthlessness before announcing his romantic success in the chorus. In this bombastic cry of defensiveness, Billy Joel foams at the mouth describing then-wife Christie Brinkley's various cuckoldings (including giving "the pilot somethin' extra for a perfect ride") only to shriek that the rumors weren't true because he was "her man." Time and Joel's personal downward spiral hasn't made this album-OPENER any less disturbing.
16) "I Can't Dance" by Genesis
Blender was right to pick "Illegal Alien" as their token Collins pick; its bafflingly offensive and almost as nagging. However, "I Can't Dance" proves that Phil doesn't need to throw on a Speedy Gonzalez accent and race-bait to be the most repulsive singer on the planet. He looks like a penis possessed by a demon. Sounds like a small one. mmm-hmmm.
Honorable Mention: "True Colors" by Phil Collins. When a has-been attempts a comeback with an unwarranted cover it's like dumping somebody only to have them call you back a year later and ask if they can fuck you in the ass.
17) "I Hate Everything About You" by Ugly Kid Joe
I prefer their Harry Chapin cover on every possible level.
Honorable Mention: Def Leppard, "Let's Get Rocked." I will apologize to no one for overrating Pearl Jam in 1992. Hearing an earnest baritone bellow was heavenly relief at the time.
18) "If I Had $1,000,000" by Barenaked Ladies
The live version gets the nod because it implies that people are enjoying this horseshit. Anticipating it. Sharing a communal moment. Idiots.
Honorable Mention: Every single the Tragically Hip tried to get onto American radio. Oh, Canada!
19) "I'm Just A Kid" by Simple Plan
Anybody who can't tell why this song is worse than any single off of Good Charlotte's Young And The Hopeless will never understand me.
Honorable Mention: Simple Plan, "Perfect." As El Diablo Robotico noted on ILX, "Perfect" will keep you from wanting to have children. God forbid they wind up this whiny.
20) "Jenny From The Block" by Jennifer Lopez
Thank you for loving us and staying real. Sorry we forgot.
Signed,
Your Public.
Honorable Mention: Alanis Morrissette, "Thank U." Fuck U.
Monday, June 07, 2004
Robert Quine, whose wife died recently, was found deadon Saturday, having died over Memorial Day weekend of a heroin overdose. I have no doubt that the OD was intentional and that this was a suicide. I'm not going to put up the next 10 worst songs ever today, because I'm too busy sitting here at work wishing I could listen to Matthew Sweet's Girlfriend, Richard Hell & The Voidoid's Blank Generation and the Lou Reed tracks he played on while re-reading his quotes from the numerous books that made me decide that not only was he one of my favorite guitarists, but a worthy role model and hero in general (not a lot of balding, cynical but kind, conservatively dressed noise-rock guitar gods out there). Five hours till I can properly mourn him.
Sunday, June 06, 2004
A while back I sent a list of my least favorite songs ever to Blender for their 50 Worst Songs Of All Time issue. They didn't ask me to write any of the captions (though there was some overlap) and enventually I posted my list on ILX. There's been enough discussion of it there that I think I should offer some explanation as to my choices. So for the next five days I'll be counting down my 50 Worst Songs Of All Time (in alphabetical order). I removed Puff Daddy's "Come With Me" and Englebert Humperdinck's "After The Lovin'" from my original list because they're too fucking funny to hate.
1) "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus
It seems like a dull, obvious choice, but no song stirs up the lingering remains of my high school redneck hatred (which is wrong, I know) like this one. Oh sure, I could rail against some post-9/11 asshat patriotic number. Unlike "God Bless The U.S.A." this song at least has some humor and a groove. "Achy Breaky Heart" reminds me of line dancing, though, and line dancing reminds me of fascism, conformity, gym class and K-Mart. The song is much more tolerable in its video form, where that goofy-ass himbo is there to take my mind off the song's personal connotations.
Honorable Mention: Lee Greenwood, "God Bless The U.S.A." The only thing that makes me want to break into "The Internationale" more is the phrase "planned obsolescence."
2) "All For One" by Sting, Rod Stewart and Bryan Adams
I love Rod Stewart. I think the guy's been knocking out great singles his entire life (his entire life). But him and Bryan Adams together adds up to an intolerable amount of rasp. Throw in Sting, a sluggish ballad and memories of a time when Chris O'Donnell, Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen and Oliver Platt got to share space on the silver screen and we've got a situation far more troubling than "Love Touch."
Honorable Mention: Bryan Adams, "Have You Ever Loved A Woman?" Please forgive me, Lucy.
3) "American Life" by Madonna
Yeah, this song has been crucified enough, but for as much as I love to hate on Bono and Sting, neither of them would have capped an incoherent drone "about" "America" with the words latte and shot-ay.
Honorable Mention: U2, "Beautiful Day/Walk On/New York" People who think Bono's charity work makes up for his insufferable grandiosity should rent The Omega Code, in which Michael York cures world hunger despite being Satan.
4) "The Barry Williams Show" by Peter Gabriel
This guy might have mulled "shot-ay", though. The problem with spending a decade working on your sluggish prog-worldbeat horseshit is that your withering dismissal of TV culture is usually a bit off mark. Your critique of the media is probably not that apt if you don't know who played Greg Brady and think the fu manchu looks good on your fat, bald ass.
Honorable Mention: all those songs where George Harrison reveals that the point of his mystic journeys was to make sure we knew he was better than us.
5) "Beth" by Kiss
My downstairs neighbor William gave me the chance to finally to this track earlier this year. I'm still not sure I actually heard it. It can't possibly be as worthless and airy as it sounded. It's like a ribbon tied around piss.
Honorable Mention: "Hard Luck Woman" by Kiss. Man, did that kittycat write some lame shit.
6) "Cumbersome" by Seven Mary Three
There's reasons - sick, sad reasons - that these guys didn't make it and Creed and Nickelback did. They lacked artistic vision. They were more annoying. The video for this song is a key moment in the death of the concept of "alternative rock": it was set in a sportsbar.
Honorable Mention: "Figured You Out" by Nickelback. The problem with "Cumbersome" was that it didn't rhyme "on your knees" with "my favorite disease."
7) "Dizz Knee Land" by Dada
There are plenty of wack-ass lightweight bar bands who stumble onto a fluke hit. Rare is the one that throws topical references to "President George" (Sr.) and attempts to use phrases like "I'm going to Disneyland" to some sort of ironic effect. Imagine Hootie & The Blowfish trying to make you think.
Honorable Mention: "Breakfast In Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something. I have a hard time imagining human beings performing this song all the way through.
8) "Every Other Time" by LFO
Sometimes we sit around, just the two of us on the park bench. Sometimes we swim around like two dolphins in the oceans of our hearts. But then I think about the time that we broke up before the prom and you told everyone that I was gay, OK. Sometimes it's black,
sometimes it's white. Sometimes she's wrong, sometimes I'm right. Sometimes we talk about it or we figure it out, but then she just changed her mind. Sometimes she's hot, sometimes I'm cold. Sometimes my head wants to explode, but when I think about it I'm so in love with her...every other time.
Honorable Mention: Blink-182, "What's My Age Again." Later on, on the drive home, I called her mom from a pay phone. I said I was the cops and your husband's in jail; the state looks down on sodomy. That's about the time that bitch hung up on me...
9)"Flood" by Jars Of Clay
The chorus basically consists of one excruciating high note. It's told from Noah's point of view.
Honorable Mention: DC Talk, "All Apologies." The song really does make a lot more sense when you replace the line "everyone is gay" with "Jesus is the way."
10)"The Garden Of Allah" by Don Henley
Henley returns from a six-year hiatus from solo recording to share this with us. His resources tapped, its another five years before he finally releases an entire album.
Honorable Mention: Every song on that album, particularly "Workin' It."
1) "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus
It seems like a dull, obvious choice, but no song stirs up the lingering remains of my high school redneck hatred (which is wrong, I know) like this one. Oh sure, I could rail against some post-9/11 asshat patriotic number. Unlike "God Bless The U.S.A." this song at least has some humor and a groove. "Achy Breaky Heart" reminds me of line dancing, though, and line dancing reminds me of fascism, conformity, gym class and K-Mart. The song is much more tolerable in its video form, where that goofy-ass himbo is there to take my mind off the song's personal connotations.
Honorable Mention: Lee Greenwood, "God Bless The U.S.A." The only thing that makes me want to break into "The Internationale" more is the phrase "planned obsolescence."
2) "All For One" by Sting, Rod Stewart and Bryan Adams
I love Rod Stewart. I think the guy's been knocking out great singles his entire life (his entire life). But him and Bryan Adams together adds up to an intolerable amount of rasp. Throw in Sting, a sluggish ballad and memories of a time when Chris O'Donnell, Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen and Oliver Platt got to share space on the silver screen and we've got a situation far more troubling than "Love Touch."
Honorable Mention: Bryan Adams, "Have You Ever Loved A Woman?" Please forgive me, Lucy.
3) "American Life" by Madonna
Yeah, this song has been crucified enough, but for as much as I love to hate on Bono and Sting, neither of them would have capped an incoherent drone "about" "America" with the words latte and shot-ay.
Honorable Mention: U2, "Beautiful Day/Walk On/New York" People who think Bono's charity work makes up for his insufferable grandiosity should rent The Omega Code, in which Michael York cures world hunger despite being Satan.
4) "The Barry Williams Show" by Peter Gabriel
This guy might have mulled "shot-ay", though. The problem with spending a decade working on your sluggish prog-worldbeat horseshit is that your withering dismissal of TV culture is usually a bit off mark. Your critique of the media is probably not that apt if you don't know who played Greg Brady and think the fu manchu looks good on your fat, bald ass.
Honorable Mention: all those songs where George Harrison reveals that the point of his mystic journeys was to make sure we knew he was better than us.
5) "Beth" by Kiss
My downstairs neighbor William gave me the chance to finally to this track earlier this year. I'm still not sure I actually heard it. It can't possibly be as worthless and airy as it sounded. It's like a ribbon tied around piss.
Honorable Mention: "Hard Luck Woman" by Kiss. Man, did that kittycat write some lame shit.
6) "Cumbersome" by Seven Mary Three
There's reasons - sick, sad reasons - that these guys didn't make it and Creed and Nickelback did. They lacked artistic vision. They were more annoying. The video for this song is a key moment in the death of the concept of "alternative rock": it was set in a sportsbar.
Honorable Mention: "Figured You Out" by Nickelback. The problem with "Cumbersome" was that it didn't rhyme "on your knees" with "my favorite disease."
7) "Dizz Knee Land" by Dada
There are plenty of wack-ass lightweight bar bands who stumble onto a fluke hit. Rare is the one that throws topical references to "President George" (Sr.) and attempts to use phrases like "I'm going to Disneyland" to some sort of ironic effect. Imagine Hootie & The Blowfish trying to make you think.
Honorable Mention: "Breakfast In Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something. I have a hard time imagining human beings performing this song all the way through.
8) "Every Other Time" by LFO
Sometimes we sit around, just the two of us on the park bench. Sometimes we swim around like two dolphins in the oceans of our hearts. But then I think about the time that we broke up before the prom and you told everyone that I was gay, OK. Sometimes it's black,
sometimes it's white. Sometimes she's wrong, sometimes I'm right. Sometimes we talk about it or we figure it out, but then she just changed her mind. Sometimes she's hot, sometimes I'm cold. Sometimes my head wants to explode, but when I think about it I'm so in love with her...every other time.
Honorable Mention: Blink-182, "What's My Age Again." Later on, on the drive home, I called her mom from a pay phone. I said I was the cops and your husband's in jail; the state looks down on sodomy. That's about the time that bitch hung up on me...
9)"Flood" by Jars Of Clay
The chorus basically consists of one excruciating high note. It's told from Noah's point of view.
Honorable Mention: DC Talk, "All Apologies." The song really does make a lot more sense when you replace the line "everyone is gay" with "Jesus is the way."
10)"The Garden Of Allah" by Don Henley
Henley returns from a six-year hiatus from solo recording to share this with us. His resources tapped, its another five years before he finally releases an entire album.
Honorable Mention: Every song on that album, particularly "Workin' It."
Saturday, June 05, 2004
I'm curious if I'd be offended by Jay-Z's "99 Problems" if I was in a relationship. However, I'm not.
I enjoy "Ch-Check It Out" every time I hear it on the radio (though only on the rock, not the rap stations...racist bullshit) and I want that new album as soon as possible, but its futile to pretend that the Beastie Boys' mortality isn't evident. Them vocal chords don't age like fine wine.
Hey Interscope, "Maps" came and went pretty fast (especially compared to "Float On"'s rise up the charts). Let's start pushing "Y Control," please? I think more people would jump on the train if they knew more than the (admittedly gorgeous) power ballad. The kids wanna dance!
I enjoy "Ch-Check It Out" every time I hear it on the radio (though only on the rock, not the rap stations...racist bullshit) and I want that new album as soon as possible, but its futile to pretend that the Beastie Boys' mortality isn't evident. Them vocal chords don't age like fine wine.
Hey Interscope, "Maps" came and went pretty fast (especially compared to "Float On"'s rise up the charts). Let's start pushing "Y Control," please? I think more people would jump on the train if they knew more than the (admittedly gorgeous) power ballad. The kids wanna dance!
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Salon music reviewers are usually tripping balls, but this line from their fascinating new Wyclef article will undoubtedly make many of my future days.
And throughout, he hopped about the stage gleefully, dreadlocks trailing behind him, as if possessed by the music -- as if to say, "I'm having fun!"
And throughout, he hopped about the stage gleefully, dreadlocks trailing behind him, as if possessed by the music -- as if to say, "I'm having fun!"
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
More Anthony-approved pop songs! Hooray!
"Naughty Girl (Remix)" by Beyonce and Lil' Flip: I'm feeling this one even more than "Crazy In Love," probably because Lil' Flip's rap actually acknowledges Beyonce's existance (ironic, no?).
"Everytime" by Britney Spears: Goddamn, Britney! First you release a dance track I adore, then you actually pull off a listenable ballad! I'm loving how the plinky background music makes it sound like Linkin Park might burst in the room any second with a power chord (kind of fits with the "My Immortal" quality this track has). While I'm totally a sucker for ballads about vulnerability and regret these days, I'm all for whatever pills they've got you on. The video's awesome too until all that "Lightning Crashes" bullshit goes on. You and Usher are making Justin look like a bigger dork than he is.
"Love Song" by 311: Best thing this band has ever done and it's STILL total shit. Funny enough to make the cut though. The ironist in me (same part of me that wants to get high to UB40's "Red Red Wine") really wants to make out to this someday. Does bassist P-Nut still refer to himself as P-Nut?
"Accidentally In Love" by the Counting Crows: Fuck you too!
"Naughty Girl (Remix)" by Beyonce and Lil' Flip: I'm feeling this one even more than "Crazy In Love," probably because Lil' Flip's rap actually acknowledges Beyonce's existance (ironic, no?).
"Everytime" by Britney Spears: Goddamn, Britney! First you release a dance track I adore, then you actually pull off a listenable ballad! I'm loving how the plinky background music makes it sound like Linkin Park might burst in the room any second with a power chord (kind of fits with the "My Immortal" quality this track has). While I'm totally a sucker for ballads about vulnerability and regret these days, I'm all for whatever pills they've got you on. The video's awesome too until all that "Lightning Crashes" bullshit goes on. You and Usher are making Justin look like a bigger dork than he is.
"Love Song" by 311: Best thing this band has ever done and it's STILL total shit. Funny enough to make the cut though. The ironist in me (same part of me that wants to get high to UB40's "Red Red Wine") really wants to make out to this someday. Does bassist P-Nut still refer to himself as P-Nut?
"Accidentally In Love" by the Counting Crows: Fuck you too!
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Several paragraphs praising an imaginary John Mayer EP? You can't say I'm not earning my membership in The Freelance Mentalists.
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