Tuesday, June 08, 2004

With fears of extended joyless mourning eradicated by hearing "Back In Black" on the radio, we now return to Anthony's 50 Worst Albums Of All Time.

11) “Ghetto Defendant” by the Clash
There's a lot of shitty dub nonsense out there courtesy of the Clash, but inviting Allen Ginsberg to do the worm on the acropolis, slamdance the cosmopolis, enlighten the populace and spray endless lines of doo-doo all over a track doesn't really qualify as expanding your musical boundaries. Fuck Lou Reed, Ginsberg was the Original Wrapper.

Honorable Mention: the overwhelming majority of material released by Joe Strummer (sainthood!=infallibility), Big Audio Dynamite (though they did invent Electro-Clash) and Havana 3AM (I'm taking this one on faith). As Rob Sheffield once noted, phony Beatlemania isn't all that bit the dust.

12) "The Girl Is Mine" by Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson
That "Say, Say, Say" was stranded on a McCartney LP while this sugar-coated turd got to be on Thriller (the first single, no less!) is criminal enough. The word "doggone" and the rising keyboard hook heard before its use should have been warning enough that Jacko's story was going to end in tears (this 8-track artwork also hints at Jackson's less-than-altruistic impulses). I don't BELIEVE it.

Honorable Mention: Paul McCartney, "Freedom." People who bought Abbey Road should get their money back. The cover is blatant false advertising: Paul ain't dead. Sigh.

13) "The Hannukah Song" by Adam Sandler
Radio, the Jews have suffered enough. Please blow the dust off of that 45 of "I Have A Little Dreidel" and let that replace the Man of Eight Really Fucking Annoying Voices' frat-crap anthem as your token sop to non-Christians next December. At least until some guy writes "Kwanzaa Bo-nahn-za."

Honorable Mention: Eddie Murphy feat. Michael Jackson, "Whatsupwitu?" Atalentwastingegomanicsayswhat?

14) "Heaven" by Live
Most of the hits by this foursome seem excruciating in hindsight (in high school they made sense, but I also thought Monster was one of the 10 best albums in musical history then). "I Alone" is redeemed in part by a video where Ed K. touches his head at least seven times and the drummer angrily hops around since they forgot to bring his kit to the set. "The Dolphin's Cry" is redeemed when you consider what a dolphin's cry actually sounds like. "White, Discussion" and "Selling The Drama" are redeemed by the fact that nearly every white guy on a major label was shitting out of their mouths in 1994. If you have any idea what could justify this existance of "Heaven" a song of faith derived through fatherhood that lacks the humility, emotional sweep and insight found in Creed's take on the same subject, please let me know. Right now it just hurts, hurts, hurts.

Honorable Mention: Soundgarden, "Black Hole Sun." Shitting out of their mouths. Interesting side-note: one of Robert Christgau's favorite singles of 1994 was the BC-52's "Meet The Flintstones." There's a reason Weezer's debut is getting the 10th anniversary treatment.

15)“Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)” by Blessid Union Of Souls

It's possible that there is no group whose discography I'd be less interested in perusing than Blessid Union Of Souls. Four years after the inescapable "I Believe," the snivelling snot and his crew returned to the radiowaves to repeatedly announce that by being a snivelling snot who rhymes "leonardo" with "that guy from Frago" a girl was crazy about him. Dateless and washing dishes eight hours a day, I found it hard to be happy for him.

Honorable Mention: Billy Joel, "That's Not Her Style." Blessid Union's Elliott Sloane spent far too much time awkwardly describing his worthlessness before announcing his romantic success in the chorus. In this bombastic cry of defensiveness, Billy Joel foams at the mouth describing then-wife Christie Brinkley's various cuckoldings (including giving "the pilot somethin' extra for a perfect ride") only to shriek that the rumors weren't true because he was "her man." Time and Joel's personal downward spiral hasn't made this album-OPENER any less disturbing.

16) "I Can't Dance" by Genesis
Blender was right to pick "Illegal Alien" as their token Collins pick; its bafflingly offensive and almost as nagging. However, "I Can't Dance" proves that Phil doesn't need to throw on a Speedy Gonzalez accent and race-bait to be the most repulsive singer on the planet. He looks like a penis possessed by a demon. Sounds like a small one. mmm-hmmm.

Honorable Mention: "True Colors" by Phil Collins. When a has-been attempts a comeback with an unwarranted cover it's like dumping somebody only to have them call you back a year later and ask if they can fuck you in the ass.

17) "I Hate Everything About You" by Ugly Kid Joe
I prefer their Harry Chapin cover on every possible level.

Honorable Mention: Def Leppard, "Let's Get Rocked." I will apologize to no one for overrating Pearl Jam in 1992. Hearing an earnest baritone bellow was heavenly relief at the time.

18) "If I Had $1,000,000" by Barenaked Ladies
The live version gets the nod because it implies that people are enjoying this horseshit. Anticipating it. Sharing a communal moment. Idiots.

Honorable Mention: Every single the Tragically Hip tried to get onto American radio. Oh, Canada!

19) "I'm Just A Kid" by Simple Plan
Anybody who can't tell why this song is worse than any single off of Good Charlotte's Young And The Hopeless will never understand me.

Honorable Mention: Simple Plan, "Perfect." As El Diablo Robotico noted on ILX, "Perfect" will keep you from wanting to have children. God forbid they wind up this whiny.

20) "Jenny From The Block" by Jennifer Lopez
Thank you for loving us and staying real. Sorry we forgot.

Your Public.

Honorable Mention: Alanis Morrissette, "Thank U." Fuck U.

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