Saturday, June 12, 2004

Worst Songs Of All Time...THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!

No honorable mentions. There's enough pain in this world as it is.

21) "Keep The Faith" by Bon Jovi
FUCK! what the fuck? what the fu-uh-uck... Oh my god, what the fuck... Yet more evidence that pop-metal was dead long before grunge was seen dancing on the corpse.

22) "King Of Pain" by the Police

That's my asshole up there.

23) "Last Kiss" by Pearl Jam
Now do "How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?"

24) "Layla (unplugged)" by Eric Claption
Did he have a Eternal Sunshine brainwipe done before recording this? I've pined for a waitress to refill my Coke with more passion than he shows here. Bad Clapton joke: What did Eric Clapton do immediately after writing "Tears In Heaven"? He threw his son out the window.

25) "Lightnin'" by Sonic Youth
boring != challenging

26) "Liquid Dreams" by O-Town
You know your boy band is going to fail when your debut single is about how you jerk off to Maxim.

27) "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" by Spin Doctors
There was a time I didn't find the video vomit-inducing. I don't like to be reminded.

28) "Long, Slow Unmemorable Songs On Classic Rock Radio That Always End Up Being Something By Pink Floyd" by Pink Floyd
It's weird when you only recognize a band because your ears are growing gangrene.

29) "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" by Journey
What are three things that I do not like to associate with Steve Perry?

30) "Mesmerize" by Ja Rule & Ashanti
There's a scene in one of the Friday the 13th movies where an R&B singer grabs his stomach, mutters something about those damn enchiladas and runs into a metal shack. As he painfully exorcises spicy demons from his intestines, he and his girlfriend, who is standing outside, sing "ooh, ooh baby" to each other before Jason stabs the living hell out of them. This song always brings that scene to mind. I play Jason.

I love how they try to offset the breathtaking squareness of the video's Grease homage by having Ja Rule lead a non-specific protest march and scream "MY BLACK PEOPLE!" at the end. The two parts go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong.

31) "Myxomatosis" by Radiohead
I don't think I've ever been angrier at an album then when I first sat through eleven tracks of the draggy, cringe-inducing, pretentious bore that is Hail To The Thief and discovered they had the temerity to throw THIS at me after all that. They're like Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber, except they ask if you want to hear the most CHALLENGING sound in the world before shrieking in your ear.

32) "Never Too Far" by Mariah Carey
hooooowlll how-how-hoooooowl....

33) "One Call Away" by Chingy
I always said Cheech Marin wasn't maudlin enough.

34) "One In A Million" by Guns'n'Roses
Some give this song props for capturing a dark, hateful, gleefully ignorant perspective. I might if they actually did something with it.

35) "The Original Wrapper" by Lou Reed
Damn, his science is too tight!

36) "Puttin' On The Ritz" by Taco
If I ever hole up inside a compound with a lot of artillery, tell them to blare this song from giant speakers. I'll be outside with my hands over my head in half a minute.

37) "Shine" by Collective Soul
A bunch of cool kids in flannel walk out to the woods, create a makeshift stage out of plyboard and tires so that a group of long-hairs can magically appear to sing a Nirvana-fied version of "This Little Light Of Mine." A decade later and I still feel like screaming this is bullshit.

38) "Squeeze Box" by the Who
It's kind of a mood killer, if you ask me.

39) "Strokin'" by Clarence Carter
Fired from his dogcatching job due to unseemly conduct, Carter used to call random numbers and recite the lyrics to his unexpecting victims while masturbating. One day, he happened to call Clive Davis. The rest was history.

40) "Sympathy For The Devil (Neptunes Remix)" by The Rolling Stones
Sign that urinal, Duchamp.

41) "Too Much Heaven" by The Bee Gees
Original title: "My Kingdom For A Testicle"

42) "Touch Me" by the Doors
You'd think the 20th century Dionysian shaman who tries to beat Tom Jones at his own game would be my favorite 20th century Dionysian shaman. You'd think.

43) "Turn To You" by Christina Aguilera
Did she get paid by the trill?

44) "Victory" by Puff Daddy & The Notorious B.I.G.
I saw this video at least eight times. Thanks to explosions, thunderstorms, alarms, Danny DeVito and other deafening distractions, I don't think I ever heard the song. It interpolates the theme from Rocky, so I'm not really in a rush.

45) "View To A Kill" by Duran Duran
Due to half a handful of enjoyable tracks and the fact that I wish I looked like Simon LeBon, I'll never be able to be the Duran-hater I should be. Nonetheless, that this atrocious, ear-piercing abortion of a song made it to #1 on the pop charts really does prove that shit floats.

46) "We Are The World" by USA For Africa
Bruce Springsteen would like to thank the makers of Colon Blow for helping him win the "My Voice Cares More Than Your Voice Does" Lifetime Achievement Award.

47) "What I Am" by Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians
Sorry, "Hand In My Pocket," you were one wah-wah solo away from making this list.

48) "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes
Having a penis, I am physically incapable of liking this song.

49) "Will2k" by Will Smith
His movie soundtrack shitstains are disqualified since all songs that discuss the plot of a bad movie are on some level awesome (the "Found Out About Vigo, The Master Of Evil" Rule). However, we have plenty of room on the list for a piddling number that welcomes the new millenium (sorry, WILLenium) by raping the Clash, praising Dick Clark for "holding it down," and coming off like a pep-free Kurtis Blow.

50) "The World's Greatest" by R. Kelly
Wouldn't a mesh cap that reads "I'm #1" have gotten the point across a little quicker?

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