Wednesday, July 23, 2008

My pitch for the next Batman movie: Batman runs into a female cat burglar with a vicious sense of humor, who mocks his choice of wardrobe with her "Catwoman" outfit and calls him out on the corny, put-on rasp he's been pushing on those who cross his costumed path (Commissioner Gordon, when asked, tells the hero he was afraid to bring it up). Upon discovering that Batman and Bruce Wayne are the same person during a snoop through Morgan Freeman's office, Catwoman decides to fuck with him "in real life" as socialite Selena Kyle. Kyle has no desire to exploit her knowledge for personal gain (she's got money and knows how to get more), she's just amused by this rich, agile stud that's obviously got issues if he's leading a double life and both personas are an act.

With Catwoman/Kyle making him more than a little insecure (while some cartoonish nutball, like the Mad Hatter or somebody, provides the necessary explosions), Batman finally stops talking like Cookie Monster and admits to himself that Wayne is the costume and that, deep down, he's the goddamn Batman, promptly kicking everybody's ass.

The details are open to negotiation, but what's key is presenting the caped crusader's vocal constipation, which pulled me out of The Dark Knight's rush in a way no plothole or clumsy attempt at profundity could, as the character's Bad Idea Jeans instead of Bale's.

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