I have more opinions about shit on VH1 Classic than anything else, so when there's nothing better to talk about I'm going to drop mad science about videos I bothered to tape (though sometimes I was wrong to do so).

Police “I Can’t Stand Losing You”: Three animated blondes in black on an all-red stage. Irreverent lip-sync demeanor meant to offset song’s verbose, psychotic demeanor. Andy Summers looks somewhat more serious during his echo guitar break. Stewart Copeland ends the video by kicking Sting in the ass, which should be the final image of all Police videos.

Run-DMC & Aerosmith “Walk This Way”: Three black guys in cartoonish outfits offend two white emaciated drag queens by smothering the original proto-rap with their sex-free sports-jock holler. The open-shirtted rehab vets notice an adoring crowd and surrender to the wills of a fickle public (not for the last time). Steven Tyler’s steals the show by removing the all-caps from the second line of the chorus hook.

Arcadia “The Flame”: Silly Rocky Horror silliness featuring a silly Simon LeBon and Nick Rhodes, who looks as debonair as a poodle possibly could. Lots of incoherent intrigue. The actors involved at least seem like they’re unembarassed. Fans of “A View To A Kill” will probably the song, which features equally garish noise breaks and a tortured LeBon vocal.

Simple Minds “Don’t You Forget About Me”: This video would be a lot more enjoyable if 1) intended vocalist Bryan Ferry had accepted the task 2) there were even more images from The Breakfast Club 3) I didn’t spend the whole time wondering how the hell a mousy Bono-wanna-be like Jim Kerr got to marry Chrissie Hynde. Does she think Tim Booth of James is attractive too?

Stevie Nicks “Talk To Me”: Stevie’s make-up and nervous facial expressions imply she was pretty deep into the white candy at this time (her nose looks in bad enough shape that we can probably assume this is around the time that her assistant was forced to insert the 100% Pure Colombian rectally). Her long-skirt twirling and hair-tossing is still pretty bewitching from a distance and the song’s declaration of interest is pretty sweet. It would definitely be a perennial on the adult-contemporary radio station of my dreams.