Plot: Soon after having unprotected sex with his girlfriend, a man who suffers from severe multiple personality disorder disappears with no explanation. Upon his return five years later, he's horrified to discover that his former lover has a child and lives unmarried with her babydaddy. After a few days of spying on the family, he finally confronts her. She's understandably angry about his extended absence, and he explains that saying goodbye before his journey would have been "too hard." This is followed by a debate as to whether or not he's God's gift to mankind. While searching for the source of a catastrophic blackout (a subject which seems to only interest her - an unassigned journalist - and no government representatives), she brings her child with her while trespassing on a boat. They are discovered by the boat's owner, a middle-aged gigolo with dreams of mass-murder and real estate fraud. While rescuing her and her family, the troubled ex is rendered comatose by mineral poisoning. As he hovers near death, she whispers into his ear that he's the true father of her child. Revived by this revelation, he creeps into the child's room to tell the sleeping tot that his life will be hard, leaving through the window before the child awakens. As he departs, the woman asks him if she'll "see him around." He responds that he's "always around."

Running time: Two and a half hours.

Title: Superman Returns.

Most inexplicable casting choice: Kal Penn as Henchman #2, who gets fewer lines than The Ghost Of Marlon Brando (whose coherency and diction has not improved since death).