What happens when they let him direct.

For two nights in a row, I've watched a dopey thriller and discovered during the bafflingly proud documentary included on the DVD that the films (Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever and Halloween 4: The Return Of Michael Myers) were written by an enthusiastic and amiable hack by the name of Alan McElroy. What's even creepier is that I easily might have rented Left Behind, Spawn, Wrong Turn or Rapid Fire tomorrow, had I not discovered that he wrote them all. I can't pretend I'm not curious about films in which Kirk Cameron witnesses the apocalypse, John Leguizamo wears heavy padding to play a demon clown, Eliza Dushku runs from 'cannibalistic mountain-men,' and Brandon Lee doesn't get shot.

Upcoming Alan McElroy scripts to look forward to, courtesy of IMDb:

Thr3e: Innocent lives hang on the whim of an elusive psychopathic murderer whose strange riddles and impossible timelines force three people into a mission to end the game before one or all of them die.

The Marine: A Marine returns from battle to find that his girlfriend is ensnared in a kidnapping plot. Starring John Cena.

Jornada del Muerte: A modern-day Western where gangs, drug trafficking and broken codes of honor rule. Directed by John Milius.

Bonesaw: The world is imperiled when Bonesaw and other demonic characters from a woman's hit fantasy horror novels are about to enter reality.

I'm not making any of this up, except the part about not renting Left Behind tomorrow.