This belongs in a museum.

As you may have guessed, forces both pleasant and otherwise are keeping me from updating this blog as regularly as I'd like. Someday soon I hope to spontaneously restart posting with unbridled enthusiasm, clockwork regularity and improved grammar. Until then, please enjoy this decanter from Michael Jackson's upcoming auction, starting at $1,000-2,000.



What's he going to serve Jesus Juice out of now?

Top 20 Movies Released In 2008 That I've Seen (Out Of 35)

Harold & Kumar: Escape From Guantanamo Bay
Teeth
Tropic Thunder
The Dark Knight
Iron Man
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Doomsday
The Signal
Postal
Pineapple Express
What We Do Is Secret
Burn After Reading
Milk
The Strangers
The Ruins
The Foot Fist Way
Hamlet 2
The Spirit
Cloverfield
Rambo

20 Movies From 2008 I Haven't Seen But Can Imagine Being Better Than Rambo, Most Anticipated To Least

Lakeview Terrace
Quarantine
Happy-Go-Lucky
Paranoid Park
Funny Games
The Wrestler
Rachel Getting Married
Wendy And Lucy
Seven Pounds
August
Transporter 3
Frozen River
Hancock
Wanted
Speed Racer
In Bruges
First Sunday
Che
Flight Of The Red Balloon
Synedoche, NY

We look at each other in the eye, and it's no use.

Payday
If you thought Walk The Line pussied out on hard living, see this movie. The only real problem I had with it was the ending: just about all of Maury Dann's real-life Outlaw counterparts made it to their sixties and beyond. You couldn't have expected the filmmakers to guess that in '73, though. Or that Rip Torn would outlive them.

Paths Of Glory
It's startling and touching to see Stanley Kubrick wrestling with man's inhumanity to man after watching his later films, which quickly devolved from sardonic giggles over the subject to droll resignation. His treatment of horror is already unflinching and almost sadistic (the climax is practically politicized torture porn), but he hadn't settled on the "man is beast" thesis that underlines the last thirty years of his work. It shouldn't surprise that Kirk Douglas' speeches and the commoner-pitying coda don't quite soothe. They didn't soothe Kubrick either.

The Craft
It's hard to tell what the moral is of this teen witch melodrama. Is it wrong to take revenge on violent assholes? Does absolute power only corrupt those with class resentments? Despite the vague Gump subtext, the movie's still worth it for Fairuza Balk (her day will come) and Skeet Ulrich, whose dimbulb Depp has never been better utilized.

The Tao Of Steve
A life of tragically little sexual conquest has left me with a soft-spot for burlesque cocksmen, from Greg Dulli to LL Cool J to Henry Miller. Which is why I forgive myself for not being revolted by a sitcom indie about a lardass hook-up guru starring Donal Logue.

Breathless
I'll take it on faith that there may have been a time when Hollywood did not give time to the young, stylish and amoral - and I can believe that the French got there first. I almost even buy that it was fresh to hear characters blathering "all women..."/"all men..." generalizations. But I won't pretend that this movie's influence on American cinema hasn't made everything but its Frenchiness incredibly familiar.

The Big Chill
Now-familiar white boomers dance to then-familiar black music and discuss how weird it is that they all grew up to be rich despite their ideals. I'm guessing the John Sayles version is significantly less devoted to telling boomers that they're still lovable.

The Mother, The Whore And The Robot Maid.

Another evocation of Kanye's fascinating dilemma.

You can never have too much sugar.

Hud
A young man must decide whether to idolize his rakish uncle determined to succeed or his moral grandfather determined to suffer. When Gramps questions the honor of selling his otherwise worthless land to an oil company, you can't blame the country for choosing Hud.

The Perfect Storm
A group of likable actors go on a suicidal fishing mission - Armageddon on the ocean. Mary Elisabeth Mastrantonio, Karen Allen and Diane Lane do a lot of yelling. Not sure why Mark Wahlberg let Lane use that Boston accent in front of him.

The Abyss
James Cameron is the missing link between Steven Spielberg and Michael Bay, and he should be proud that he's not George Lucas. Sure knows how to make a three hour movie feel like two.

Definitely, Maybe
Van Wilder Ryan Reynolds is not the white Will Smith. Sweetiepie Abigail Breslin is not precocious. Isla Fisher is not Nicole Kidman, but sure sounds like her when half-heartedly attempting an American accent. Why was this a wide-release film advertised in theaters before Enchanted when it's identical to the countless blah dramedies that go straight to DVD each year? Maybe someone thinks Ryan Reynolds is the white Will Smith.

Michael
The movie coasted to $100 million off of John Travolta's charm, a quality praised even in negative reviews of the movie. Failing to notice it myself, I was instead entertained by the sound of William...Hurt? and AAAndie McDAOowul falling in love over Randy Newman's twerpy, arbitrary motifs - my favorite being the fretless bass and synth-reggae that accompanies the sight of Travolta in boxers.

MIA On Her Oscar Nomination

Thank you to all the people who are supporting us and the making of a real story of a slumdog millionaire…maybe I can afford to book Dave Chappelle at the baby shower now.

She knows Edgar Bronfman, Jr. is her fiancee's father, right?

This happened.

For Suri.

Did the kid still have his glasses on?

From imdb:

A teenage movie fan has been stabbed following a New York screening of gruesome horror movie My Bloody Valentine 3-D.

An unnamed 16-year-old boy reportedly refused to leave the Long Island, New York theatre after the film had finished on Sunday night and began fighting with security guard Ricardo Singh, 24.

The youngster was stabbed during the tussle and admitted to Winthrop University Hospital, where he received treatment for his injuries and was subsequently released.

Singh was arrested, charged with second-degree assault and is set to be arraigned on Tuesday.

I just love that the security guard pulled a knife out, not the teenager refusing to leave the theater. Can we still blame this on horror movies?

My Bloody Valentine Is Not In 3-D At Every Theater

MAKE SURE YOU CHECK BEFORE YOU RUN TO THE TICKET MACHINE.

Shockingly, the movie was entertaining enough without the special effect - we actually stayed till the end! With all due to respect to the middle aged little person flung into the ceiling by a pick axe, the greatest sight was the green wool-knit sweater Tom Atkins (Halloween III: Season Of The Witch) wears in his climactic scene. Badass is all well and good, but retired sheriffs like to stay warm. If Clint Eastwood wears something similar in Gran Torino, I might actually watch it.

I'm tempted to see this again, assuming it's somewhere that's showing it in 3-D. It was going to be my first experience of the sort since Captain Eo! You have no idea how psyched I was. Damn cheapskates repressing advances in cinematic technology.

RIP Ricardo

This remains awesome.



Did you know he was married to the same woman, Georgiana Young, for 63 years, until her death in '07? I would kill to read their love letters. You know they're florid.

Holidays are over, and hopefully so's my cold, so expect regular posting to resume.

"Run" Fun

Two visual interpretations of Gnarls Barkley's "Run" I prefer to the actual video. One from the band, and one from a fan.




(The 2nd chorus is clumsily lengthened to no positive effect in this clip, but I still enjoy it a lot)

You’ve been lied to, it’s already inside you

My Top 50 Singles Of 2008


#1) Gnarls Barkley, "Run"
Between an inevitable backlash (something I would have been happy to join in after the excessive accolades for St. Elsewhere) and a video that played the track off like "Hey Ya!, pt. II," my favorite single of 2008 by a country mile never really had a chance. Andre hid the fact that he was turning off his heart with a nonsense chorus and some cute come-ons in the coda. Cee-Lo sweats out images of global and self destruction while Dangermouse sucks all the complacency out of Mark Ronson's breakbeat-soul, placing a ball of confusion behind Cee-Lo like the boulder from Raiders Of The Lost Ark.

It's closer in spirit to Electric Six's "Rock'n'Roll Evacuation" than any pop smash, even if it sounds like an easy one. Too propulsive for dancing, but it's not meant to make you move from side to side. In 1968, it was "people...come together!" Today, it's an attack, it's falling from the sky, it's a bomb, it's a hurricane, it's a virus, it's an addiction, it's airborne, it's an economic meltdown, it's calling from inside the house, it's "people...RUN!"


#2) Fall Out Boy feat. John Mayer, "Beat It!"
Am I saying that emo boys can't do better than commit to trashy pop-metal and apply their melismatic passion to an '80s camp classic? Probably. Am I saying that singles don't come any greater? In 2008 - almost. I even love when the band slows down to watch John Mayer fuck a donkey.

If you don't know I'll make it very clear

#3) The Hives, "T.H.E.H.I.V.E.S."
Despite appearing in more than its fair share of ads, the 2007 jock-jam "Tick Tick Boom" failed to make a dent on any chart - maybe the video should have been set in a sports arena instead of an art museum. Corporate enthusiasm apparently waned to the point that I only know "T.H.E.H.I.V.E.S." was a single because Wikipedia told me. This is a crime - Pharrell and the Swedes crafted a crossover theme song that could have been their "Miss You," their "Rapture," their real one-hit. Maybe some charitable trailer producer will overlook the self-aggrandizement and exploit the beat.


#4) Julian Casablancas, Santogold & Pharrell Williams, "My Drive-Thru"
Not sure the Strokes or Santogold gave Converse any noticeable cachet, but this sure was worthwhile for the artists. Whether it was the guarantee of moolah or the novelty of working with a Neptune, Casablancas reaches for unprecedented effects as a singer, his energy almost startling after the decay suggested by First Impressions Of Earth's sluggish howling. Santogold has never sounded more assuredly pop, with her "we all want to dance" beating Nelly Furtado at her own game.

Pharrell keeps the groove eccentric without succumbing to his NERDish insularity, and assumes a supporting role more graciously than I knew he could. He says making the jingle was "completely refreshing" and it sounds like it. When I say I hope it's a sign of things to come, I'm not talking about an increase in corporate commissions for hipsters.

She screamed so loud, until she was laughing

#5) CSS, "Rat Is Dead (Rage)"
Kim-rock lives, or at least unexpectedly redeemed what was otherwise the most disappointing sophomore slump in indie-dance history. I'm still waiting on an explanation for why the band of 2006 now only sounds inspired when they ape 1994, but I'll settle for a follow-up that expands on the idea.


#6) Coldplay, "Viva La Vida"
Imagining what it's like to be George W. Bush, pretending to be the Arcade Fire. With so many bands sounding like (and fantasizing about being) Coldplay, this is a remarkable evolution.

Look what I can do with my feet

#7) Chris Brown, "Forever"
This song is not a Doublemint ad. Brown was recording one when Polow Da Don's Wonder-esque keyb-harmonica inspired him to free associate visionary gibberish about love, dancing and "moving at the speed of light into eternity" on the corporate dollar (I refuse to believe that even Chris Brown could write "We've only got one night...to dance forever" on paper...or I dunno, his Blackberry). Proof positive that these zombie children of the damned don't see commercial considerations as any kind of artistic impediment.


#8) Nine Inch Nails, "Discipline"
Ironies abound as Trent drops his most commercial jam yet after saying goodbye to the majors. Lyrical message: he can't survive without your stern guidance. Musical message: Trent didn't become an INXS fan for Jimmy Iovine's sake. Only question: is he saying "I need your discipline...Jewwww!" in the coda? Is this alt-rock's "They Don't Care About Us" or is he reaching out (returning?) to the faith?

I won't let you let me down so easily

#9) Hot Chip, "Ready For The Floor"
Any well-crafted homage to "Batdance" and Philippe Decouflé is going to enamor me to the song it promotes, but this was my favorite Hot Chip track before I saw the video. Equally playful and sentimental, a dash of clarity away from irresistible.


#10) Death Cab For Cutie, "I Will Possess Your Heart"
It took a long time for me to stop calling him Ben Gelding, but increasing exposure to their increasing hookcraft got me to overcome my fear of an emo Garfunkel. Now I credit his poise and sanity for helping them avoid REM's gigantism as they energize for arenas and Radiohead's abstraction as they expand their sound. This eight-minute career high makes similar feats like "Moby Octopad" and "Paranoid Android" sound respectively schleppy and obtuse. Too assured for indie - call it "post-pop-rock," maybe.

Dirty like sex that's on the ground

#11) Kevin Rudolf feat. Lil' Wayne, "Let It Rock"
Timbaland Presents: Shock Value + Dick Valentine ("Because when I arrive, I, I bring the fire!") = OMFG. Lil' Wayne sounds as excited by this as I am; if you know of a recent track on which he's this bouncy (no slurring at all! even gives an encore!), please alert me immediately. If you need a reason to get the past radio cheese (snob), read the verses as anti-Christianist protest ("I see your dirty face hide behind your collar...now the son's disgraced"). Timely!


#12) Hercules & Love Affair, "Blind"
In which disco redeems a diva. Antony, please don't return to the darkness. Remain in light.

One look in the mirror and I'm tickled pink

#13) Weezer, "Pork And Beans"
The A&R man said "I don't hear a single," so River bitches about it over Blue Album overdrive just to prove he can hit the mark whenever he wants to. Too bad the A&R man didn't say "I don't hear an album." Did I say Beyonce made the best video? Sorry, Weezer made the best video.


#14) Miley Cyrus, "See You Again"
The first Disney-pop track I know of to hang around the Top 20, and it's easy to see why. '80s melodrama made more human and no less bombastic by a teen too quirky to be consumed by the factory. "My best friend Leslie said 'Oh, she's just being Miley'" is a fillip equal to the "Thank you" on Prince's "Take Me With U." Not that she's Prince - who made four singles from his soundtrack score even higher. Then again, her adolescent work may well be better than that of Champagne.

Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone

#15) MGMT, "Time To Pretend"
Caveat: only recently realized I've been listening to the version on their self-released EP, where the scenester will-to-power is made ironic by soft vocals and a tinny beat. The obnoxiousness of the remake dulls the effect, so I linked to the '05 track instead of the '08 single (this may explain why I Just Don't Get "Electric Feel" or anything else off their album). Had I noticed earlier, I would have pulled this song from this list, but whatevs - I caveated it.


#16) Gnarls Barkley, "Going On"
Girl, Cee-Lo is a free bird. If you want to roll with him you're going to have to give up all worldly possessions, meditate, build a spaceship, move to LA, kill yourself, get crazy high, whatever heaven he's advocating. They sure make it sound like the place to be.

Change my number, switch my cards up

#17) Trina, "I'm Single Again"
Angry, defiant, hurt, cynical, dismissive, confused, contemptuous, flip, nostalgic, frank, hysterical, resentful, so over it. Moments as withering and humiliatingly self-aware as the rebuke "You fell in love with my ass, King Magazine, you fell in love with my ass" are reminscent of the best Kanye West and shame the "vulnerability" of his worst. Almost makes me wish this was an answer track.


#18) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Krazy"
Instead of the usual salacious (and always welcome) come-ons, Pitbull uses this stereotypical (and always welcome) Lil Jon crowd-filler to ponder the unponderables. "Kanye no style, J Lo no ass, Fifty no beef, Jay Z no cash...Iraq no war, U.S no Bush, Cuba no Castro, Atlanta no cush..." Having provided this mental gristle, he invites women of all races to go batshit on the dancefloor. Krazy like a fox.