As rickrolling achieves "macarena"-like stature...

A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy. Unless Astley believes he's the only man on earth capable of fidelity, he's totally negging you.


We know The Game and we're gonna play it.

808s & Heartbreak.

Believe me, I get why it's interesting. Kanye aiming for Portishead, for Bjork, for Thom Yorke. At the same time, he's aiming for Akon & T-Pain. Unabashed anguish from a megastar. It's interesting.

But it's also an insult to Portishead, Bjork and Thom Yorke. Hell, it's an insult to Akon & T-Pain. It's the unabashed anguish of an egomaniac who lost a girl he treated like shit. Not that he regrets treating her like shit - he just can't believe she left him. He's the greatest guy in the world! He's not sorry, he's confused. How could she be so heartless? "Will I ever love again?" "Life's just not fair." For all the dramatic distorted synths, this is a dark night of the soul worthy of Spencer Pratt. It's "Song Cry" Phil Collinsed & chopped. And I hated "Song Cry." I hate hearing guys say "when I cheated, it was different" with a straight face. I'm kinda shocked more people don't.

Not that anyone's really praising his lyrics. "He's always been an asshole." But he used to be an asshole with a sense of humor. He never really bothered to rhyme, but now he doesn't even bother to off-rhyme. He just spouts douchey nam-myoho-renge-kyos into a computer. When he does bless us with a novel noun, it's "why you gotta be so Dr. Evil?" And you're not allowed to laugh. He's in pain, and it's all her fault. Poor Kanye.

Sorry, but when I want distorted synth dystopia, I'll pop on Third or The Eraser. Beth and Thom can sing. On top that gift Kanye lacks, they also sound like they take more than two weeks to write and record an album. Their misery is abstracted - which is preferable to petty. I appreciate the beauty of what I'm hearing, not what a phenomenally shitty boyfriend Kanye must be. Their vague moans aren't for all, but the moping shouldn't offend anyone who'd sit through 808s & Heartbreak. I'm not so hard-up for this sound that I need to put up with a grating "okayyy, okayyy okayyyy, you need to stop it nowww, you need to stop it nowwwww."

If I want moody auto-pop, Akon's got this tearful yet pulsing hit called "Right Now (Na Na Na)." He even bothers to change a word or two on each line of the chorus. Maybe that proves he's not really sad like Kanye. Maybe it doesn't make people think about the depth of Akon's sadface the way 808s lets people think about the depth of Kanye's sadface. But why would you want to?

Read Scandalist!

If you do, I promise to make more stuff like this.

YOU'RE DOG BUT YOU'RE CAT, YOU'RE THIN BUT YOU'RE FAT

December 1-25, Top 50 Singles of 2008. Two songs a day. I'd be hard pressed to even make a list of my ten favorite albums this year, but there are a lot of songs I've got a lot to say about. Until then, I'm going to try and touch on a few songs and artists I dug that didn't make the list.



When it came to disco gibberish this year, Chris Brown won (dude could moon mindlessly over an ottoman if Ikea paid him to) and Brandon Flowers lost (dude's jingle would be called "A Man Named Otto"). Katy Perry's was neither transcendent nor helpless, just unabashedly craven. The reciting of opposites in the chorus is mind-numbing, but Kelly Clarkson should hire whoever gold-plated the musical hooks (edit: turns out she already has - you still got it, Max Martin and Dr. Luke). Plus it's fun to make up your own words: "You're land and you're sea, you're poop but you're pee. You're east and you're west, you're leg but you're breast."

When Smokey Sniffles

I'm not done "giving it a chance," but I can't share the enthusiasm of everyone who loves Ne-Yo's Year Of The Gentleman (which seems to be everyone who's heard it). Maybe it's a sign of my own puerility, but the "callowness" Matos refers to humanized him on In My Own Words - a Nice Guy who also wanted to be Top Gun. Now he's beyond such earthly enthusiasms.

After the opening "Closer" establishes his sexual helplessness, he vapidly praises her infinite glories before revealing himself to be a model masochist: Are you cheating? Lie to me! Oooh, girl, nevermind. If you love him, go back to him! I don't know why you love me anyway! I'll smile, fade into the background, and nail myself to this cross, whimpering in falsetto for my sins. He even ruins the oft-quoted "calamari > pity parties" line by deciding to wet nurse the girl pining for her ex anyway. Quality songwriting aside (though some of the midi-synth flourishes are worthy of a video game about elves), his concept of a "gentleman" seems pretty damn sniveling.

Elizabeth Banks Is My Homegirl

The last three movies I've seen in theaters - W., Zack & Miri Make A Porno and Role Models - have starred Elizabeth Banks. I'm almost tempted to avoid the cinema until the January release of The Uninvited, where she will get to play an evil stepmother instead of a sympathetic romantic interest. At the moment, I can't even think of any movies I urgently want to see that would interrupt this streak of Elizabeth Banks films. Oh, wait - I want to see The Spirit. Why wasn't she in that?

Zack & Miri benefits from following my least favorite comedy of the decade in the director's oeuvre. Unlike Clerks II, Zack & Miri has likable characters and unforced jokes. Even more amazing - it has extras! Kevin Smith is almost like a real movie director now! You'd almost believe that he's directed EIGHT movies!

From his fondness for musical montage to his pussy-ass emotional speeches (not to mention Jersey Girl), it's clear that Smith would love to be Cameron Crowe when he grows up. That he'll settle for 2nd rate Judd Apatow is both humble (he's got a bigger cult than Judd) and ambitious (Judd has a bigger commercial audience). Whatever - better Kevin Smith aping someone funny than Kevin Smith aping himself.

Role Models suffers from following my favorite comedy of the decade in the director's oeuvre. It's almost admirable that David Wain would adhere to mainstream comedy tenets after the boffo narrative-nihilism of Wet Hot American Summer and The Ten (without surrendering all intelligence like Michael Showalter's mewling The Baxter - starring Elizabeth Banks), but you can feel the tentativeness. Unwilling to wink and unwilling (or unable) to go for earnest affect, Wain relies on Paul Rudd to provide any and all emotional pull. Not wanting to come off like a sap, Wain decides not to come off at all. Even when the cast is swordfighting in Kiss make-up, the film seems respectfully removed from the action.

Wain, Rudd and Ken Marino (the dudes behind The Ten) were handed what must have been a brutally pro forma script and made it consistently amusing through a strong supporting cast, novel gags and an impressive use of profanity. Now that this experiment in mainstream entertainment has succeeded, I'm curious to see if they'll revert to State hijinks, keep polishing cliches or find some kind of middle ground, for better or worse.

All love slipped away...

"Reviewing Chinese Democracy is not like reviewing music. It's more like reviewing a unicorn." - Chuck Klosterman, AV Club.

Axl is the unicorn, Chuck. Chinese Democracy is unicorn shit. And shit is shit.

AC/DC Shreds

Thought all of these had been chased off YouTube. Happy to say I was wrong.

Dear god, no.

From Variety:

Half Shell Entertainment has acquired screen rights to "Killing Yourself to Live," a memoir by rock journalist Chuck Klosterman about his experiences going on assignment to places where famous musicians have died.

...The book's tales center on locales ranging from the site where members of Lynyrd Skynyrd died in a plane crash to the place where Kurt Cobain committed suicide and Rhode Island's Station nightclub, where more than 100 fans died at a Great White concert when pyrotechnics caused a deadly fire.

The death sites serve as backdrop for the author to explore everything from the narcissism of pop culture to his own relationships with women in his life.

"The idea is to do a comedic road movie heavily based in rock 'n' roll," said Klosterman.

I think the casting choice is obvious.

WHOOPS

Earlier today, I accidentally posted one of Andy's letters onto this blog. Apologies to anyone confused or frightened. Apologies to Andy, too - I didn't mean to take credit for his work.

Thank you, I'll be here all week.

All Hip-Hop:

A Christmas classic will get a Hip-Hop makeover, thanks to a new Gap campaign featuring rapper Flo Rida and R&B vocalists Trey Songz and Janelle Monae. The international specialty retailer cited the appeal of Hip-Hop artists among brand marketers as motivation fro recruiting Songz and Flo Rida to write what it calls a “street-smart rendition” of “Jingle Bells” for its Merry Mix It campaign.

He's got the red velvet pants
Boots with the fur
Sleigh driven by tiny rein-durr
From the north po'
He hit the flo'
Santa said "ho, ho, ho, ho..."

Sadly, this isn't the first time I've done this.

holy shit, this was 16 years ago.

miley cyrus was not even born when this happened.



Where is the big-ass MTV Obamarama party? Where is Barack's Fleetwood Mac? A hologram of Will.I.Am on CNN doesn't count.

(Edit: Morning Anthony remembered that all the jazz I'm referring to happened at the inauguration, not election night. The infant Miley was indeed alive for this. So the tone of this post should be giddy-who knows what insanity the music industry will cook up January 20th?).

This Was #12 On The Pazz & Jop Singles Poll

And yet I can't believe anyone enjoyed listening to it.



Eminem, if that 3% possibility happens, I'm going to blame the lack of a "Mosh '08."

"Remember that time we were down in Atlantic City and the beach and all?" "We throwed down."

I may have posted this before, but whatever. Young people today have no idea how big Bruce Willis' ego was in the late '80s. Watch for the first Temptation eye-roll at 0:50.

LIL' JON IS BACK TO SAVE HIP-HOP

Ok, so Pitbull and Lil' Jon made a single last year, too. I kind of forgot to listen to it (making up for that now). Anyways, TVT is dead and Jon has a new deal now. The time is nigh for a Lil' Jon resurgence. Shit's gonna get manic, for a change. Just you watch.

What this is? Forgot? Now I must remind you!

Due to my increasing detachment from the world of rockcrit (I still have plenty of rock crit friends, but I don't necessarily talk to them about new music or scour ILM or write any pro reviews these days), I sometimes forget that a lot of people think of me as the guy that inexplicably likes some godawful rock song/band/trend. It has been a while since I loved a recent hit that I knew (or could safely assume) my peers despised. Blame their increasing popism, my increasing rockism, our increasing age, new music's increasing assitude, whatever.

This is why I thank you, Kevin Rudolf feat. Lil' Wayne. Your cheeseball tribute to the second half of Timbaland Presents: Shock Value is just the reaffirmation of identity that I needed. This is the best faux-Electric Six song on the pop charts since "Paralyzer." Very failed crossover Armand Van Helden. Proof that the world wants their rap, techno and rock in one shameless blast. This is my scene and it's freaking me out!

I keep checking Wikipedia and such to see if the song is part of an ad campaign that would explain how this made the Top Ten when Lloyd feat. Lil' Wayne (which is respectably awesome) can't get anywhere. But I've yet to hear any reason for the success of "Let It Rock" other than that a lot of people are paying a dollar to download it. Which is awesome.

Planned Comments: "I'm melting. Oh, I'm melting. What a world."

AP: John McCain's election night watch party might be missing John McCain. Instead of appearing before a throng of supporters at the Biltmore Hotel in Phoenix on the evening of Nov. 4, the Republican presidential nominee plans to deliver postelection remarks to a small group of reporters and guests on the hotel's lawn.

Joe Lieberman Thrown Under The Bus

John McCain, discussing Sarah Palin on Don Imus this morning: "I think she's the most qualified of anyone recently who has run for vice president to tell you the truth... I'm frankly entertained at the elitist attitude toward a person who is a proven leader."

If we assume "recently" means the last decade, we can assume McCain ranks her qualifications above not just good buddy Senator Lieberman's, but Senator Joe Biden's, former Representative Dick Cheney's and former Senator John Edwards'. If that's the case, does that mean she's more qualified than Senator McCain?

I shouldn't be mocking what's obviously desperate overstatement, but it's too much fun.

What about Central PA, McCain?

I cannot stop watching this clip.

Bush's Ego, Bush's Id

Anthony Hopkins' Nixon was such an insect that the actual President looked like an ok guy when you saw his beaming face in the credits. If W. bothered to end with a shot of our current COC, we'd be reminded why the man is compared to Alfred E. Neuman and not Josh "Anthony's Top Ten Mancrushes" Brolin. Even Dick Cheney has reason to be flattered by Oliver Stone's softest political cartoon; sure the film has him delivering neocon slobber, but Richard Dreyfuss bothers to give the scumbucket some gravitas.

So why does the sap who stole two terms get more sympathy than the sap who resigned? Because, hawk or not, Dubya's a boomer. Bush ain't the only 62-year-old with daddy and drug dependency issues who achieved his ambitions despite tendencies for excess and simplification - I bet Stone has a hard time acknowledging his mistakes too.

Not only has age made Stone kind (like a successful av clubber bonding with the fat former quarterback at a high school reunion), but stylewise he's toned down his overstatement. Leila - a Stone neophyte - finds this hard to believe, but it's a sign of restraint that he saved the dream sequences for the end. An ironic fan of his flamboyancy, I was almost disappointed that the constant foreshadowing in the script isn't signaled by string stabs or conjoined with frenzied montage. But if you're not offended by the idea of quality actors making an oedipal play of the man we hope capsized the neocon dream but don't quite yet know for sure that he did - W. is easy to enjoy.

Those hungry for batshit political cinema are advised to check out An American Carol instead. You'll have to wait for DVD - me and my friend Harlan were the only people at a Sunday night screening two weeks ago - but it's worth it. Michael Moore is a great target for a cheap-shot pro like director David Zucker, and there are about seven minutes of jokes about him that would have been welcome in Scary Movie 5 (I especially enjoyed watching him bat away "fans" with an oar as he left Cuba). But even if you don't laugh at a twinkie stuck to a TV screen, you get the fascinating sight of Dennis Hopper shooting zombie ACLU lawyers and THE Bill O'Reilly standing in a urinal with an actor playing JFK and Kelsey Grammer's remarkably prissy General Patton.

Patton - the first ghost in this Dickens rewrite - takes up so much of the film's 80 minutes that "George Washington" only gets to read 30 seconds worth of one of Jon Voight's op-eds, and Trace Adkins' "Death" just growls before sending Moore to save a rally full of "real Americans" and history-spanning military ghosts from the evil Robert Davi.

That Zucker throws in a couple gay jokes at the expense of the military and Adkins shows his real cause (roffles for rabble), and the pandering behind the politics makes it even more disgusting. I doubt Zucker feels strongly about the glory of pop country, and I'm sure he knows "Christian extremists" would hijack planes if they didn't already have fighter jets. He's just carrying out the idea of a "right-wing comedy" to its tragic extreme. Comforted by his commercial chastisement, I can (knock on wood) enjoy it as a historical curio and wait patiently for Scary Movie 5.