21. Black Eyed Peas, "My Humps"

Stupid, shameless, stunning. If Best Buy ads have kept you from appreciating it, stop watching so much TV.

22. R. Kelly feat. The Game, "Playa's Only"

Blame Scott Storch burnout or "Trapped" for the lack of attention this received, but Kells slides and strides around the beat pro-like, and I'll put up with the Game for "throw the pussy like Elway."

23. Franz Ferdinand, "Do You Want To?"

Sums up their aesthetic so sharply that the rest of the album feels like one long b-side.

24. Daddy Yankee feat. Lil Jon, NORE & Pitbull, "Gasolina (Remix)"



I'm not sure I need Lil Jon to make reggaeton work for me, but he certainly helps.

25. Kelly Osbourne, "One Word"

More 80s than the 80s.

26. Backstreet Boys, "Incomplete"

Who are you to resist the merger of Evanescence and Savage Garden? I've decided that the opening line ("empty spaces fill me up with holes") is intentionally befuddling, leaving you as confused & adrift as they are.

27. Missy Elliott feat. Ciara & Fatman Scoop, "Lose Control"

That's five years in a row - if you count "Pass The Dutch" as '03 and "I'm Really Hot" as '04, which I do.

28. Bloodhound Gang, "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo"

As cynical about rock as anything by Lydon - if I liked it any more than I do I'd need to find a new line of work. And I may.

29. Lindsay Lohan, "First"

Don't be denied!

30. Crazy Frog, "Axel F"

I'm kind of sad the U.S. didn't take to this. What were our no. 1 singles saying that was so important?

31. Queens Of The Stone Age, "In My Head"

"Go With The Flow" plus the Distillers' "Sick Of It All" and a happier take on "Burnin' For You"? My kinda pastiche.

32. David Banner, "Play"'

Cuz "Wait" really could have used some LL.

33. Trina feat. Kelly Rowland, "Here We Go"

The chorus adds a vulnerability that justifies Trina's cruelty. And lord is she cruel.

34. Ying Yang Twins feat. Mike Jones, "Badd"

Hanh! of the year.

35. Akon, "Bellydancer"

One of the few popular singers these days with a great voice and a penchant for restraint.

36. My Chemical Romance, "Helena"

Keith and I left during this when we caught them at Warped so we could beat the rush. Turning away from the stage, I saw all these kids who knew every word, singing along. Unlike most occurences of this in emo-punk-whatever, I was totally sympathetic. "Helena" would have made me cry and air-barre chord at 16.

37. Nivea feat. Lil Jon & Youngbloodz, "Okay"


I wish Jon would skip the "you scared" shit and stick to asstrax and cutesypoo.

38. Nine Inch Nails, "Only"

Keep it danceable and I won't care if you ever grow up, Trent.

39. Low, "Monkey"

My face when I found out I liked a song by Low!

40. Interpol, "Evil"

I'm amazed Paul Banks can do this kind of haughty, crypto-sexual claptrap so well during his awkward years.

41. Louis XIV, "Paper Doll"

A hot beat where some smug asshole gets (called) a bitch.

42. Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx, "Gold Digger"

It's been a red letter year for post-feminist misogyny.

43. David Banner feat. Mr. Magic & Lil' Boosie, "I Ain't Got Nothin'"

Honesty is the best policy. Cartman misses the memo, but that shouldn't surprise anybody.

44. Lil Jon feat. Usher & Ludacris, "Lovers & Friends"


One crowded hottub.

45. Ciara feat. Ludacris, "Oh"

Even more than Kelis in "Milkshake," Ciara refuses to acknowledge any joy in her sexual confidence here. It's just how she does, just what's required - a grueling dance. That these contradictions inspire Ludacris to sing just enhances the seductive tension.

46. Eels, “Hey Man (Now You’re Really Livin’)”

Now that he's successfully captured this kind of maudlin, weathered revelation, I hope he'll stop trying.

47. Spinto Band, “Oh Mandy”

It's nice to see Ultragrrrl, Sears Roebuck and a couple dozen indie rock fans in my hometown agree on something. This year I finally lived up to my ancient, drunken promise to get them "some press! some NEW YORK press!" By the time I did, I wound up scooped by Entertainment Weekly. Nonetheless, I am a man of my word.

48. Bloc Party, “Helicopter”

The only thing they do better than Adam & The Ants is rave-up. This is the track where they do that.

49. Pussycat Dolls, “Stickwitu”

Best Mariah chorus in a year full of them.

50. Foo Fighters, “The Best Of You”

Dave Grohl showing those young passive-aggressive, self-involved bombast addicts on Fuse how passive-aggressive, self-involved bombast is done. I love how you can't tell if he's getting ready to dump or commit. Shit gets confusin', dude!

With a solid decade of retrospect, I now realize that Urge Overkill may be my favorite band of the early 90s*. Did anybody match Supersonic Storybook, Saturation and Exit The Dragon from 1991-1995? When you admit pop-metal was better than grunge those CDs are sitting in the used section of your local store, waiting to rock you sweetly. Here's some good news and some, well, news.

Blackie's ballads were inarguable highlights on their major label albums and I'm sorry he's not part of the reunion. Here's "Dropout" and "The Mistake." I'd share something from The Supersonic Storybook, but my copy is a cassette!

*On further consideration, Pavement is a valid alternate choice and the early 90s really sucked rockwise. Geeta was right (and now I'm right too).

If you've never heard Vanessa Carlton's "White Houses" before, pick it up at Abby's. Get past the production if you must, cuz that's some amazing songwriting. Mainstream Kimya, which is one hell of a compliment coming from me*. More people need to acknowledge how great this song is (at last tally just me, my best friend, and Miss McDonald here give two craps about it) so that I don't feel so awkward in my fanship. See the video too - yet another Sophie Muller classic. I should have checked the rest of Harmonium out by now.

And check out "Me & Mia!" I didn't even know it was about eating disorders until Jess (viva coincidence!) clued me in on the lingo. I love when a track you already enjoy has some extra element waiting on time-release. Poptext is a valuable resource.

*Carlton sang on Hidden Vagenda so I can totally pretend there's some direct influence.

Bono Will Change Your Life

Dedicating "Bullet in the Blue Sky" to the "brave men and women" of the United States military, Bono kneeled down, raised his arms, and blindfolded his eyes as if he was about to get shot by a firing squad. Why this dramatic act was so widely accepted by U2 followers while Patti Smith's earlier anti-war declaration was so vehemently rejected exemplified Bono's ultimate star power and poetic influence. Bono knew he was a ringleader, a ringleader with a political agenda.

Staci Schwartz, Village Voice

aw.

Blonde & Blonder for the Baltimore City Paper. Does anyone else notice that weird facial tic Duff has when she's singing to the camera? I think she's trying to give us a feisty smirk but instead it just looks like she's bonkers. If only she was!

The problem with Make Believe isn't so much that Rivers' brain is growing moss, but that the production, pace and lyrical content make an issue out of it. I wouldn't change the station if "Perfect Situation" came on, though.

The funny thing about David Banner is that he's a pimp with a Jesus complex who gets points from people who like neither pimps nor Jesus complexes. Shouldn't this make him the apex of insufferability rather than a sign of promise? Also, judging by "Crossroads," the last track on Certified, his idea of passionate singing is Chad Kroeger. Few of his fans would agree. I know that people (including myself) really just like his wit and beats - his Nickelback track is more interesting than any by Nickelback - but these contradictions are worth remembering.

good cranky.

I remember a review of Brighten The Corners in SPIN where the writer said she'd trade the rest of Wowee Zowee for the first verse and a half of "Rattled By The Rush" - Malkmus at his most vocally assertive. I've heard three songs from the upcoming Strokes release and I feel the same way about "You Only Live Once." Musically it's above-average status quo ("what if New Order didn't believe in synthesizers?"), but Julian puts a little Ocasek in his step, dancing with the music (oh, that "oh-oh-oh ohhh") rather than screaming and mewling around it - at least until the chorus. Unless this retro-alt resurgence has more weight than I think it does, I can't imagine these songs inspiring anybody who doesn't already care about the Strokes to start. Having seen the "Juicebox" video, I think I'll be glad to see them fail.

An On Second Thought column in praise of Unfinished Business: Best Of Both Worlds 2 for Stylus. As an added bonus, here's a YSI of "Don't Let Me Die."

Worse than the war in Iraq, when it's me against I.
I gave up the weed and somehow I'm still high.
Three years, still seein' the weed in my eyes, Lord!
Sometimes I don't know what you want from me,
but I do know you know what I want from you!
GIVE IT TO ME!

I forgot to put a picture with my last post.



"hat...ful of hol...low? whuh?"

I bet you didn't notice the guy with the fronts of his pant legs tucked into his Nikes, did you? Lots of people have shared pics of Durst in this shirt without explaining the occasion. It was the premiere of Kill Bill, Vol. 2. Now you know.

The downside of having a taste for irony: Ever since Clear Channel put out that ridiculous list of songs that couldn't be played in the aftermath of the 9/11, I've always chuckled at the idea that somebody who heard the Gap Band's "You Dropped A Bomb On Me" while driving to work might pull off the road and start crying as traumatic memories filled their mind. Now I can't hear "You Dropped A Bomb On Me" without having a montage of WTC-related footage (not unlike the video they made for U2's "Walk On") playing out in my head. The image that coincides with the whistling sound effect is horrifically logical, and there's nothing I can do about it.

The upside: I like a lot of music my peers consider annoying crap.

The downside: I actually check out the new tracks on the Limp Bizkit hits comp in hopes they'll be enjoyable. They're not. "Why" isn't as "Battle Of Evermore" as it should be (though I agree that "My So-Called Life is so good") and "Lean On Me" didn't make Results May Vary for a reason (it was an outtake, right? It can't be a new track). "Bittersweet Home," the promised 'mash-up' of Motley Crue and the Verve, starts with a spare drum machine and Casio - very "Within Your Reach" - but then guitars sludge up the track and Fred loses his karaoke privileges for life. Or at least until Limp finally releases that version of "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" they once promised.

The upside: I'm pretty excited about their threats to tour again. I've never had the chance to see them. As Fred says in his latest blog post, "let's get this puppy up and moving."

"Why" is growing on me, actually.

Part of the malaise crits seem to be feeling about this year as Top Ten time rolls around has to be due to the lack of exciting debuts or breakthroughs. Most of the big albums are by artists who have released big albums before. Even noteworthy full-length newbies like M.I.A., Annie and LCD Soundsystem were more exciting hypes in 2004 thanks to Piracy Funds Terrorism, "Heartbeat" and "Yeah." There's no doubt in my mind that Kanye's going to win Pazz'n'Jop - the first act to win it twice in a row since the Clash. Singles-wise, two big likelies (and possible #1's on my own list) are "Mr. Brightside," from a 2004 album, and "Since U Been Gone," a blatant anomaly in the singer's ouvre (...what a feeling!). My favorite debut this year is Louis XIV, which I've gathered is an unpopular opinion. Those cads actually made an album as Convoy before realizing that tart-baiting and Bowie cops were their raison d'etre, so I guess my favorite true debut this year is by Loquat. I haven't heard of them either.

Unless the Bloc Party and Young Jeezy send your soul aquiver with dreams of what might be or voting for the New Pornographers gets more thrilling for you each time (you NPR-eared lame-o*), this hasn't been a "music - FUCK YEAH" year. Praising Shut Up! was definitely more of a gas than namechecking Sleeping In The Nothing. Not that this will stop me from putting Sleeping In The Nothing on my p'n'j ballot if the next two monts don't bring me some grander treasures.

*I'm just kidding, you NPR-eared sweetheart.

Sayonara, Mystical Beast! You'll be missed.

A review of Rocket From The Crypt's penultimate performance, for the Voice.

I still think her John Cale entry in the SPIN Alternative Record Guide is rife with wtf (if my ratty ol' copy wasn't languishing in State College, I'd share some choice quotes), but Ann Powers' blog is pretty awesome. And, yes, I still hold grudges against people based on purchases they inspired almost ten years ago.

You need to buy this DVD. Trust me. You think you know insanity? Check the cliffhanger for Chapter 9. Not to mention a commentary track where a cigar-chomping Kells watches the movie from a chair on the lower right corner, looking over his shoulder to talk to us. I shouldn't say any more, but here's a clue: there's a reason he named the cop's wife "Bridget."

And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

There's some great pics of the NYC show here. Review coming relatively soon.

Happy Halloween!

from Electric Six's site:

We fly to New Zealand and Australia now, fueled by the memories of Canada and Florida and everything in between. Presumably when we get back, we will start to record another record. The cosmic ballet.....continues.....

Another album already? If I had no shame there would be a smiley emoticon here.

My provisional top 20 of 2005 currently has albums by Armand Van Helden and Moby on it. I'm really enjoying Death In Vegas' Satan's Circus from 2004 as well. It would be facetious to ask what is wrong with me (see blog title), but I am curious to know why the hell I'm digging these guys now, while unmoved by most big name electronic artists of today (I'm finally going to listen to Isolee in a bit). Then again, everybody's crazy for the new Robyn album, including myself, so maybe that 90s comeback isn't just radio-rock-related.

Slightly related, "Only" is my favorite Nine Inch Nails song since "Closer." More sighing than screaming, great nu-wave groove, and a verse about scab picking. I approve! The dude should make an entire album of swear-happy INXS tracks one of these days.

I'm spending a late October afternoon bowled over by Kimya Dawson albums and fighting the urge to turn on the heater (I'm one of those odd people who prefer 'too cold' to 'too warm'). I did the same thing last year. Different town, different state of mind, but using Hidden Vagenda and I'm Sorry Sometimes I'm Mean as blankets nonetheless.

Normally when an artist impresses me I can't wait to explicate what makes them so wonderful, but Dawson's songs are so uniquely affecting that all I can do is whimper a simile or too and shrug. Maybe I'll finally be able to explain what makes her The Bestest Twee Ever next October.

Christgau aside (and I don't usually trust his "they mentioned John Kerry! A" reviews), that last Northern State album sure got a bad rap, didn't it? I finally listened to the thing (Sara, I don't know what I'd be doing these days without your evergrowing music collection to intake, besides getting some work done) and it's pretty enjoyable! The nu-metal choruses on the Muggs tracks are a bad idea and there's nothing quite up to the level of "Vicious Cycle" or "At The Party," but the energy and themes are unique enough to make the album rewarding. I don't know how people can put up with Common or Sage Francis but not these three. Evidently All City sold something like 7,000 copies despite being on a major label (got dropped, obv), but thankfully they haven't broken up.

Speaking of Common, "Testify" has to be one of the most baffling hits in recent years. Braggadocio, misogyny, misanthropy, love pap, maudlinness, self-pity, incoherency - most awful tracks are still explicable due to selfishness and/or incompetence. But why did Common feel the need to tell this trite, hokey story in the first place? What are we supposed to get from the unexplained twist ending? Doesn't it contradict the sentiments of the previous verses? And how can any human being find the hook pleasurable? Common's supposed to be a highly intelligent rapper, what with the hat and all, but I'm still waiting for some evidence. I remember liking "I Used To Love H.E.R." in high school, but every track I've heard since has been some combination of forgettable, milquetoast and cheese.

From Patti Smith by Victor Bockris & Roberta Bayley:

"Unlike Patti's eclectic musical tastes, Robert [Mapplethorpe]'s soundtrack was spare, often consisting of a lone Vanilla Fudge album, played over and over for up to twelve hours at a stretch."

I knew he was kinky, but still...that's just wrong.

Will November 1st ever come?

Hearing one of your favorite songs of the year in a car ad is supposed to inspire a rant about commercialism, sellout, etc. etc. I do think people should realize the implication of innocuousness inherent in ad placements, but hearing "Don't Save Us From Flames" push Pontiacs just tells me I need to stop watching Fuse. The debate is irrelevant if you don't watch crap.

One positive aspect of flipping around BET, MTV, MTV2, VH1, VH1Classic and Fuse (plus McGyver on Spike - "I'M SICK OF YOUR GAMES, MURDOC!") this morning was catching the video for "Do You Want To?" twice. I love a good Gondry now and then, but I'll trade all the hi-tech gimmickry in the world for a video that actually sells the band. Jack White's little rascals aside, Franz Ferdinand are the only people on the MTV2 T-Minus Rock countdown who look like they'd be fun to hang out with.

I caught FF at the Tower last Friday (thanks, Keith!) and they earned every shriek. They're playful and caddish without being juvenile; unself-conscious, post-adolescent good time charlies who hint at intelligence rather than promise more than they can offer. You Could Have It So Much Better is pretty skimpy on the anthems, and I hope the next album will reveal it to be transitional, but they're still refreshing.

If I'd thought to take one, a picture of Keith dancing at Silk City to "Freedom '90" would be at the top of this post.

They're showing Public Enemy's "By The Time I Get To Arizona" on VH1 Classic! Before midnight! I feel old.

LIMP BIZKIT WATCH: "As for keeping you or anyone 'posted' on what is happening......I don't think that will happen in any fashion that will satisfy you all as a whole at any point in this lifetime." That's my Fred.

Blurbs! Blurbs! Blurbs!

At least one of these men has been called "ubersexual."

This article (props to the anonymous chappy who posted it on ILX) would have me running for the hills even if Rush Limbaugh wasn't stinking it up with his commentary.

"...Ubersexuals are men who embrace the positive aspects of their masculinity such as confidence, leadership, passion and compassion, without giving into the stereotypes that give guys a bad name, including disrespect toward women, emotional emptiness, complete ignorance of anything cultural outside of sports, beer, burgers and athletic shoes."

Can you think of five men who exemplify these traits better than Arnold Schwarzenegger and Donald Trump? They can't. Somebody needs to see True Lies and Marla Maples' pre-nup contract.

Anyhow, here's ten men I would consider ubersexual, in the sense that I have a mancrush for them, which qualifies as a sign of some superhuman level of charisma.

1. Josh Homme
2. John Reis
3. Howlin' Pelle Almqvist
4. Dick Valentine
5. John Mayer (when he's not making that scary live oh-face)
6. Ben Stiller
...I think that's it! Sorry, I'm picky.

If I keep this up, I should probably get a better camera. I know.


(click for larger, blurrier)

Admittedly, Turbonegro's songs weren't quite as fascinating as their stage banter, moves (there's one guy whose main job is to mince), costumes, balloons, confetti cannons and midget, but I don't often see that kind of show. It was appreciated. And the songs ARE good!

Top Ten Turbonegro Song Titles
"A Dazzling Display Of Talent"
"Back To Dungaree High"
"Blow Me (Like The Wind)"
"Hobbit Motherfuckers"
"I Got Erection"
"I'm In Love With The Destructive Girls"
"The Midnight NAMBLA"
"Rendezvous With Anus"
"Sell Your Body (To The Night)"
"Wipe It 'Til It Bleeds"

Amy Grant once choked a man to death with her thighs.

For an entire concert in 1996, Alan Jackson's mustache seemed an unusual shade of brown. He later swore it was chocolate milk.

Glen Campbell wanted to record a track called "Gallstone Cowboy" about his 1989 ailment but his label would not release it.

Cletus T. Judd has been employed as a song doctor for Robert "Mutt' Lange since 1998.

Trace Adkins once fucked a mother-daughter team in front of his road crew.

Clint Black said he would shoot Bill Clinton if he knew he wouldn't go to jail.

If John Michael Montgomery could have one superpower, it would be flight.

2/5ths of the original line-up of Alabama has questioned their sexual preference at least once in their life.

Hank Williams Jr. does not actually like any songs by Kid Rock.

Randy Travis is a Nazi.

Garth Brooks will not admit to having successfully finished the 72 oz. Steak Dinner at The One And Only Big Texan Steak Ranch, but he did.

After several failed attempts at e-mail correspondence with Christina Aguilera, LeAnn Rimes had a dream about kissing her at the American Music Awards and stabbing her in the face.

Shirley Hallman of Nashville, TN owns the only topless photo of Jon Brennan from MTV Real World Los Angeles. If Jon knew, he would have her killed.

Shania Twain doesn't understand why Ann Coulter is considered controversial.

Kris Kristofferson told Willie Nelson that "being snowballed" meant receiving oral sex from someone with ice in their mouth. Nelson's lack of awareness led to a confusing & traumatic experience with a groupie, who consequently spent the night in the local emergency room. Nelson broke up the Highwaymen, refusing to speak to Kristofferson again. Johnny Cash never quite understood what happened, and really didn't want to.

Woody Guthrie would have really liked "Wango Tango" had he been alive to hear it.

Uncle Tupelo actually disbanded because they sucked.

Tim McGraw has only had anal sex with Faith Hill once. It was his birthday.

Beck, trapped in the phantom zone.

"They produced it, and Benji and Joel jumped on the hook," Game said. "It came out crazy. It's crazy, it's 'hood and wild. Them guys are wild. I befriended [the Maddens] two VMAs ago. I met Benji backstage and we been friends ever since. Them dudes is crazy."

Crazy, crazy, crazy.



"Straight up, I'm from Waldorf, Maryland, you guys. Let's not forget that. You take shots, I take shots."

Wild!

I lied! More crappy live pix.



In the last week or so I've caught Annie, Black Dahlia Murder, Electric Six, the Faint and Gang Of Four (Jon King is smashing a microwave up there). That's just the headliners. The novelty of having so much quality live entertainment available to me hasn't worn off yet.

While VH1 Classic Presents Gang Of Four (oh, the irony) were terrific, opening act Morningwood, who play the kind of female-led major label new wave my roommate is nuts for - they should be named Debbie & The Dogmats or Lisa & The Ladykillers or Pylon Doing A Bad Imitation Of The Divinyls or something - almost upstaged them with psychotic demands for audience enthusiasm. Their forced retro-shtick and weak hooks couldn't have inspired the crowd to Clap If They Love Cookies, let alone take their clothes off and DANCE! DANCE! DANCE! as the unhinged singer so desired. A few unfortunate members of the crowd were brought on stage to bop nervously, get punched in the chest and be forced to make out with a plastic Santa. Gang Of Four was referenced frequently, lest we ran for safety. I spent most of the set hiding behind a wall, muttering for the band to please, please go away. I don't like to exaggerate, but this was Abu Gharib squared.

An album by some AC/DC cover band (that was not the voice of Bon Scott. I would know, trust me) was played between acts, and I had to wonder if they were intentionally recreating the early 80s marketplace so we could experience Go4 as the sweet relief they must have been at the time. While there's no way to revive the promise and potential of a group who's future has yet to be written, you can reaffirm what was accomplished and celebrate it. The words still sting, the guitar still slices and the rhythm section still makes it all look deceptively easy. I'd guess they were better then, but I know they're great now.

For some reason, my snarkage in regards to the new Skateboard P single didn't appear in the last Stylus US Singles Jukebox. Here 'tis:

Nice beat, but the vocal is totally Win A Date With Kimmy Gibler. [6]

If you know the Gibler, slap your inner child for watching crap.